Some Kind of Ride...

LLL - Latest on Lydia's Leg

2011-11-27T15:10:00.001-08:00

Ok, well it was really her ankle but indeed it was fractured. This was her stylin' footwear for 10 days.

She didn't seem to mind, but our BRAND NEW hardwood floors sure didn't like that fat medal plate sticking out by the toe.
Ughhh. At least she is all healed up and back on the trampoline...sigh...

2011-11-08T14:54:00.000-08:00

Never a dull moment around here.

Last week Lydia was jumping on a neighbor's trampoline and came in complaining about her ankle and foot hurting. I brushed it off as a sprain since she was running, dancing and playing with friends 10 minutes later. The next day she came home from school limping so I called our dance carpool and told her Lydia wouldn't be going to dance. I thought it just needed a day or two to heal.

Since then she has been limping around on her left foot tippy toes and complaining on and off but could still break out in a "jig" as she always does and her teacher didn't even notice. After walking to the Vandy game last night my mom mentioned that i should probably just have it looked it.

So I did.

And YEP, after a doc visit and a quick X-ray our girl has a fracture in her ankle. As I understand it, it's where the tibia and fibula meet in the back close to her heel. Which would explain the tippy toes.

We have an appointment with the orthopedist tomorrow. We should know more then.

You would never know anything was wrong with her besides her slight limp and a little complaint here and there.

That's our TOUGH GIRL!

The Heart Breaker

2011-10-30T12:47:00.000-07:00

Vandy led 3/4 of the game. We beat them in almost every stat...except the one that mattered most. I am just sick about it BUT Very PROUD of my Commodores!!!

My St. Louis Cardinals...

2011-10-28T21:19:00.000-07:00

ARE WORLD CHAMPIONS!!!

Costume Troubles

2011-10-26T10:52:00.000-07:00

Lydia wants to be THIS for HalloweenAnd

Zachary wants to be THIS for Halloween

We looked and looked for the Raspberry Tart costume in her size and all we could find was a toddler size. Last week I finally found a child small online size 4-6. It came today and honestly, it is TINY. I don't think we could get her right arm in the dress.

The city of Nashville is wiped out of child and adult angry bird costumes. I'm bummed that the costume is so popular bc when Zachy came up with it all on his own I thought he was brilliant.

Thankfully, I had my mom with me at the pumpkin tent this morning looking for his costume and we resorted to Joanne's for a pattern. She is at home as a type sewing it for him and Seth and I will make the face. I'm about to call her and break news that she will also need to whip up a Raspberry Tart dress in the next 48 hours. I think all the accessories will work just fine.

October??

2011-10-25T14:23:00.000-07:00

Really? It's been THAT long since I last posted to my blog. Yikes.

Well, sooooo many things have happened since then and I have decided that I MUST for the sake of remembering this wonderful life I share with my small children and husband, start blogging more... A LOT more. So that's that.

I've decided that just a few sentences about something that happened that day, or something funny that one of the kids said is suitable and REQUIRED. So I'm not here this time to update my blog on the last 4 or so months. Instead... I'll share this funny story...

Lydia came home from school yesterday crying. She was in tears as she burst through the door. The conversation went something like this...

L: Sobbing -Mommy, I got on orange today.
Me: Orange? What? What happened honey? Settle down and tell me.
L: I'm scared. I'm scared you won't give me dinner!
Me: WHAT??? Won't give you dinner (and just for the record my dear, I have only THREATENED to send you to bed without dinner. I have never actually done it!)?? Just tell me.
L: I lied.
Me: YOU DID WHAT??? - she knows how much I will NOT tolerate lying!

So I pulled the "oops note" out of her backpack and I had to turn around so she wouldn't see me laughing at what was written. Apparently, Lydia told and convinced a teacher's assistant in the cafeteria that she was allergic to peanut butter so that she could sit at the peanut free table with her friend Paris.

OH GOOD LORD...what in the world are the "real" teenage years going to hold for us?!

Our FIRST Mom/Daughter Trip

2011-10-16T13:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Lydia, I am planning our day trip to Chicago tommorow very carefully, to be sure to include absolutely everything and anything that will make us happy and smile! Of course American Girl Doll is top of the list but knowing you and I, we will love it, but be ready to move on quickly to a new adventure. So I have us all mapped out and ready to go! Put your walking boots on girl! This is are first mommy/daughter trip and I think I just may be more excited than you! Love You Sweet Bug and here is to our first and SO MANY MORE!!! Love, Mommy.

It Certainly is Summer around HERE!

2011-06-16T15:18:00.000-07:00

We're alive and kicking. I can't believe how awful I am about blogging. Frankly, the only thing I am good at lately is running my kids around here and there...How can social lives be so busy at 3 and 5?

I am hoping to catch us up here this weekend. Maybe tomorrow? That may be a pipe dream, but it's mine. :)

Tornados and other Nonsense...

2011-04-27T13:48:00.000-07:00

I am so sick of this CRAP ASS weather! I mean seriously...what is going on? My dog is a FREAK. And I don't mean he's a freak like other dogs when it comes to storms...He's a FREAK! This is the same dog that is afraid of his food and water bowl and we have to feed on a paper plate...IN THE SAME spot every night or he cries and whines and refuses to eat and drink. So...you can imagine how he reacts when it comes to thunderstorms and bad weather! O-M-G!!!

So after MANY nights of this hideous weather in the past month, I finally called the vet. We already have Xanax for the freak, but 2mg. didn't touch this 46lb. dog and get all the crazies out as it should have. Poor Shaggy...Nooooooooooooooo. Poor Shaggy the FIRST or SECOND or maybe even THIRD storm of the spring...but by storm number 20...Get a damn hold of yourself DOG! Anyhow. The vet also gave us a sedative to add to the Xanax, which I did the night before last at 2am. Well, it seemed to kick in right around the time we all had to get up. UGHHH! Last night I was proactive and gave him both about 9:30ish, before I went to bed and NOTHING...He STILL went ballistic when it started thundering and lightning. At 2am, I again gave him another Xanax since the others had NO seemingly effect. Again...NOTHING! WTH? He continued to cry and pace and whine and wake the entire house up again and again!

I am tired and crabby and so are my kids... and where is Seth?? Oh... out of town of course. Do you hear the crabbiness in my words?

I never thought I would say this but bring on summer...enough of this shit!

Easter Weekend 2011 and Lots of Pics

2011-04-26T11:58:00.000-07:00

We had such a great Easter weekend! The weather was perfect and we did so many FUN family things.

On Friday morning we went to Cheekwood Botanical Gardens. It was BEAUTIFUL!

We recently got a family membership and Lydia is going to camp there this summer. It is such a fun spot and this summer they will be having live music and food and drinks on Friday nights. I bet you will find this family there quite often!

After we got home from the gardens and a few naps were taken we dyed Easter eggs!

After we dyed eggs we were off again to my sister's house to eat cheese pizza (Good Friday Food) and play with the cousins! I didn't take the camera though. :(

On Saturday morning we went to the zoo for an egg hunt (along with the rest of the city of Nashville)...

Finally, on Easter Morning we went to mass and then had the family over for lunch. By Sunday evening we were exhausted!

And that was that...

Lydia Turns 5!

2011-04-24T12:44:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that you are 5 years old LydiBig! Where in the world has the time gone. It seems just yesterday you arrived on our porch exactly 5 MONTHS old! Life has been nothing short of AMAZING since that day. Our love for you grows with each inch. I know it sounds so cliche' and every Mom thinks "this" of their own, but Lydia Kathryn, YOU ARE UNIQUE. You are a constant SMILE! You are a BURST of energy! You are ALWAYS happy and make everyone around you HAPPY. Others are drawn to you! You are the ONE that people dream of and wish they could be. And I mean that literally. Other parents say to us all the time.."She is ALWAYS happy and smiling. I wish I was like that!" or... "Does she belong to you? She makes my day every morning with the biggest smile and hug." I am savoring the sweet months I have left with you before I turn you over to the world of Kindergarten! I know it will pass in a blink and I will wish all of my life i had these times back. You are FUN and make our dreams come true every morning - as you JUMP into our bed...even if it is often times only 5am. Your birthday was a perfect day. We went to Jump Zone and lunch with Amy, Anna and Zachy and dinner with all of your favorite peeps! Grandma and Grandpa, ALL of the Handshys! Gary, Kyle and Chuck! :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET GIRL!

Zachy Turns 3!

2011-04-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

I'm backing up a bit since I have been such an ALL STAR blogger lately. We have 2 very special SPRING birthdays in our family. Zachary turned 3 in March just days before our move. Our kitchen was packed up so cake baking wasn't an option. He had a party with his little friends from pre-school and some family friends at Monkey Joe's and he won't stop asking to go back ever since - every single day. He got a t-shirt as a gift from them and begs to wear it on a daily basis. If he's acting like a pill in the morning when we are trying to get out the door, all I have to do is say "Do you want to wear your Monkey Joe's shirt today?" And instantly, I have cooperation. Haaa. I win! Best friends since they were infants. So Sweet! Hahaaa. Monkey Joe walked in and scared the SHIT out of some of the kids. If you look closely at the picture below you can see Zachary's head down in the bottom center. he fell out of his seat when Monkey Joe BURST IN! His two little friends on the left were sobbing. I must say, he did make an abrupt entrance. LOL. Poor babies. But kinda FUNNY! On his REAL birthday Grandma and Grandpa graciously offered to make his birthday cake and host at their house after dinner. He shared his day with US, of course, and Grandma and Grandpa and Kyle and Gary. Our very dear friends. It was a great day! -Zachy, you have brought 3 years of nothing but absolute GREATNESS into our lives. We love you to the moon and back and back again! Happy 3rd Birthday My Darling Boy!

Without Further Adieu...

2011-03-31T05:58:00.001-07:00

OUR NEW HOME ~ Watkins ~!

Watkins is in major need of some really great landscaping!

I can't wait for the weather to get nicer to plant flowers and pick weeks and trim bushes and lay new mulch and so on and so on... The Back of our house...The screened in porch and a small portion of our awesome backyard! Daddy putting up the swing set AGAIN! Lydia supervising daddy's work, AGAIN! A good shot of our HUGE back yard that opens up to an enormous beautifully wooded

common space.

Another Angle The Final shot of our great backyard... Did I mention that Mother Watkins is in dire need for a large landscaping REDO! Seth worked so hard on our lawn at Hudson. It was beautiful and we were always getting compliments on how nice it looked and the how pretty the green full grass was. I know he can do it again! But wouldn't it be great if one of those HGTV shows would find us roaming around Lowe's and surprise us like they do on THIS SHOW, Yard Crashers! I am pretty sure you have to live in CA or something to see that dude wandering around the stores. He's probably not frequenting the Franklin, TN area. Oh well.

Back At Last

2011-03-29T18:22:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING...I should have made this my Lenten promise, but I am most ashamed to admit that the teeny tiny Lenten deal that I actually DID promise God I have completely jacked up. I AM however working on it. Today I worked HARD on it and I continue to TRY. ***SIGH*** Do you feel the guilt through your screen...hahaaa. Oh well... Carrying On... I am Back! And here are some Winter/Spring Happenings...In Bits and Pieces -We sold our house ~ We got a contract on January 12, My Birthday! This is so bitter sweet for me. I LOVED our Hudson House but 2 kids later, we outgrew that sweet little house. And it wasn't even little...It just didn't provide the right space for us. We had very little closet space and storage and let's face it, kids have a lot of STUFF and it was time! HOWEVER, that house has been so good to us! As the two of us, we suffered through the HORRIFIC trial of infertility there, and then as a foster family. We had a failed adoption and also returned to Hudson once without Zachary; all the while Hudson provided us a warm, safe place to grieve. BUT then the Taylor Tides turned and Hudson came through for us yet again...as shocked as we were, when we all the sudden we had babies running around abusing it only the way babies, toddlers and eventually preschoolers can. Oh, and let's not forget all of the crap it took from Shaggy. I think Seth (arguably) had to repair/replace the backdoor a total of 5 times along with many other repairs. We miss You Hudson!

SURGERY! Ears and Aednoids

2011-03-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

As I type Lydia is fast asleep with a little help of some anesthesia. Yes, she is getting tubes put in and possibly adenoids out. And yes, we just went through this with Zachary last year. Let's hope this one is drama free.

Just being silly

Why couldn't I have been born with THIS SPIRIT? Damn, I LOVE this Kid!

Whew

2011-03-07T13:53:00.001-08:00

Life has been nothing but a BIG HOT MESS for us lately, and especially for me. My plate simply isn't big enough, but I am starting to realize that and that is a good thing.Friday we will FINALLY be in our new house and soon the chaos will all be a thing of the past. Spring will be here soon, and the cold dark clouds will go away. Tears of frustration and the enormous stress and overwhelming feeling will go away, or at least dramatically decrease. Life will settle down. We will settle down and we will all be ok. Because that's how it has to be. We'll be ok because we have to be and we love one another.

And soon...I will be back to my blog. To document my beautiful kids and our beautiful life in my NEW office, in my NEW house. - That makes me smile...and it's also my attempt to let some of the stress subside and BE EXCITED!

And these the are awesome ones that make it all worth while!!!

Yesterday was BUSY, and NOT the FUN KIND...

2011-02-16T14:35:00.000-08:00

YESTERDAY = Too busy for any of our likings...

9:00am - leave home
9:35 - arrive at dance to discover Zachary W/ wet pants.
9:36 - Explain to Zachy that only babies wet their pants for the 300th time that we have been potty training him 6 momths ago.
9:40 - Take Lydia into dance, leave Zac in the van, ask another good mother/friend Stacy to keep an eye out for the Bug so I can go home and change the boy.
9:43 - 10:27 Rush home, make Zachy go potty AGAIN, change his clothes, (screw cleaning him up, pee is sterile right?)
10:27 - 11:00 - Speed back to dance (feeling guilty that I left my kid there and asked another to watch out - knowing she would be in dance class the entire time and never even know I was gone - go figure...GUILT = a good Catholic Girl) Enjoy a Small bit of girl/mom talk until the girls get out of dance.
11:00 - 11:15 - Change Lydia from dance clothes to street clothes ~ Wrangle Zachy to just sit still and cooperate long enough
11:15 - 11:30 -SPEED like hell to Kids Dentist Appts.
11:30 - 12:30 - Kids dentist appts. - great teeth all around - Ready Set Go... and then the dentist wants to talk about having Lydia could be in his next TV, dental commercial. HUH? I kid you not..and I am no mood for THIS...I think we'll stick to soccer...but I am honored and polite and they may call us... eye roll...
12:30 - 12:45 - Speed to pediatrician office...
12:45 - Pick up pediatrician records to take to ENT
1:00 - Arrive for Lydia's hearing Screening and Tests
1:45 - Appt. with ENT to discuss hearing screenings
2:30 - RUSH into Nashville for swimming lessons
3:00 - Swim Lessons
4:00 - Realize I have locked the keys in the van and Seth is out of town
4:23 - Call a locksmith that is only blocks away - Says he can arrive in 15 minutes and cost will be 45.00
6:15 - Locksmith shows up in the cold parking lot that the kids and I had been waiting in for almost 2 hours (kids with wet hair from swimming, no jackets and Zachary wet his pants)
6:16 - Asshole locksmith informs me that there will be a 35.00 service call for them actually answering the phone when I called at 4:23pm. And that the cost to get in my van would actually be 65.00 on top of that.
6:16 - Tell asshole lock guy that he is an mistaken asshole lock guy - asked him where the hell he had been and called him a damn liar for telling me that he was only a block away and that his ass could have crawled on all fours faster than than he arrive, if he was actually only a block away on Church St.
6:17 - Gathered my cold children and told them we would find another way to get home, but was interrupted by dumb ass lock dude who was lowering his price faster than he could talk English.
6:18 - I tell him to get me in the Eff'ing car NOW! Told him I would pay him 65. flat (which makes me sick, but i was desperate and had he called my bluff and driven off...I would have been screwed. Even my cell phone was exhausted at this point and yelling at me that it was about to turn off if I didn't feed it some juice from the charger in my locked van.)
6:20 - The door unlocks which sets off the car alarm which sends Zachary into sheer panic - SOBBING and SHAKING as Lydia cuddled him (she's an awesome big sister!) on the curb, as I scrambled through the car searching for my FOB to turn off the alarm.
6:21 - Comforted my kids, started the car, got them buckled, turned on a movie and paid shithead.
6:23 - Headed home - got stuck in rush hour traffic hell - Found a McDonald's, swung thru drive through (2nd time in 6 hours for my kids...Yep, feeling like mother of the year here. Not to mention all of the screaming and yelling and begging that had taken place on my part with said small children in a busy parking lot for 2 solid hours).
6:45 - 7:00 Continuing ride home on dark interstate - Kids are Ok ~ All Warmed up, Eating a Happy Meal, Watching Toy Story, Safe and Sound, All Buckled Up for me to watch in the rear view mirror...and I cried silently all of the way home...
7:00pm - Pull into the driveway and see a happy welcoming face... SHAGGY who jumps up on the fence in the backyard and yelps at full volume (as if to say, where have ya'll been?) Walk through the back, garage door where Lydia is now afraid of the dark, Zac however, walks straight in and says, "I turn on yight Ydia"...Turns on kitchen light "All better Ydia?" She nods YES and they both climb into their stools to finish their french fries.
7:03 - I finish unloading the van of wet swim suits, wet clothing, a full day of fast food trash, urinated clothing and snotty Kleenex.
7:05 - Zachy: I all done mommy, I tired. Lydia: Me too mommy, Mommy: Me too guys, let's go to bed.
7:05 - 7:10 - All 3 of us march upstairs without a word - all holding hands, in complete silence! MY KIDS ARE NEVER SILENT! It was a SWEET silence, it was a respected silence...as if we were all sharing our appreciation for exhaustion and also a nice sense of team work. Jammies on...we didn't bathe, brush teeth, or comb hair...the nightly routine wasn't even spoken of. We are all in syn ch. Tuck kids into bed and they are both OUT in mere seconds.
7:11 - 7:15 - I finally get a moment alone and I put jammies on, and YES, I at least brush MY teeth - I suppose b/c I won't give myself a fight about it.

AND...At the end this long day, I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is the frustrated mom that yelled far too much at my kids - at times feeling like I am crossing the lines of abuse - The employee that should have responded to 25 emails (at least) on my day off - The wife that is failing in all areas and trying desperately just to arrange phone calls so the kids can at least say good morning and good night to daddy who is working so hard out of town. I've sucked as a friend - I can barely get on Facebook or check my emails - something that used to be so FUN for me -

It's been a rough time lately family. And it shouldn't be. And that's what's killing me...

Everyone tells me I am being too hard on myself. But, I find that foolish.

I personally, could not have developed a better blueprint to my childhood and life as it is. The bumps in my road have been few. I have not wanted for anything in my life that wasn't simply provided for me, or I could just go out and buy. And my life and support extends all the way out there! I have peeps that LOVE me and support me in all over the damn place - some, I have never met in person.

GUILT GUILT GUILT... It's a worthless but yet, VERY emotional feeling.

As worthless as it is, I am afraid it will always belong to me.

That's all for now.. That's all

It's out there...

2011-01-24T17:54:00.000-08:00

When it's out there on the internet, it's out there. It's something you can't take back...

I have to wait a few weeks before I post my thoughts lately.

Happy New Year!!!

2011-01-17T16:46:00.000-08:00

We're Here!!! We are still around...Life has been NUTS! But I have a post in the works with an update and pics... Happy New Year Family and Friends!!

Happy Holidays and....

2010-12-24T19:44:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Snow and Sick - Sick and Snow

2010-12-19T05:37:00.000-08:00

I mentioned in my last post that we had a little bit of snow last week. We did indeed and we had some friends over to go sledding and then we all enjoyed some chili, hot chocolate and other libations. It was a TON of FUN! Here's the proof:

Did I mention we had FUN!!! All good things must come to an end however, and I woke up on that night with chills and a horrible sore throat. It's last all week and gotten progressively worse. It SUCKS! I had 2 negative strep tests, and then they drew some blood to test for mono. I will get those results tomorrow, but i don't think I have mono. Instead I think I have some yucky funky virus that Zachary had lingering on for a few weeks. Anyhow, just yesterday I was starting to feel somewhat alive again. We went to a SUPER fun birthday party for Kyle last night. It was an "Amazing Race" party dashing through the city for clues, complete with pit stops and yields. Our team failed miserably, since we never go in to the city for anything (except Vandy games). But it was still a BLAST and ended with dinner with some good friends. That brings us to this morning. Lydia came into our room whiny and complaining that sh can't breath and has a sore throat. :( I'll be so sad if she gets my junk the week of Christmas. Keep your fingers crossed.

Let it Snow Let it Snow...

2010-12-13T11:40:00.000-08:00

We got several inches snow yesterday. Today is a SNOW DAY! We'll see about tomorrow and the rest of the week is supposed to be WINTRY too! I LOVE winter! I know... I know... I'm NUTS, BUT I DO!!! A pot of chili is cooking and we have friends coming over to go sledding in a bit...More pics to come!

My Head

2010-12-06T15:23:00.000-08:00

Is barely above water...

It's Christmas time. I'm so busy at work modifying behavior, only to have it all undone over Christmas break. I'm fighting the potty training battle with Zachy, but I'm winning, so yaaaa for ME! My Christmas shopping is coming along, but I haven't even started with "my hard to shop for peeps." SIGH... Oh, wait... Did I mention that seth is SOUTH AFRICA for two weeks!!!! I'm still breathing.

It Just Is...Part 1

2010-11-23T14:08:00.000-08:00

When I started this blog, I had the idea that I would share my kids stories. I thought I would use my experience and my knowledge to help others out there - mostly foster parents and adoptive parents - mostly b/c we got screwed over and over again for several years from the foster care and adoptive system.

I wasn't necessarily jaded or angry. I just had NO IDEA what in the world we were going to encounter or what to expect, EVEN after acquiring my LMSW degree and working for a private foster agency years earlier. I just know that I wished so very badly that I had known someone who had gone before me, in both arenas. I would have LOVED to have been warned. I would have given my left foot to have had someone to process it all with, someone who truly GOT IT. My friends and my mom can love me and listen all day long, but until you have traveled these roads...You can't know. You can't understand, even if you want to.

With all of that said...My thoughts and intentions of this public blog changed. Not only was I taking myself back to incredibly raw, harsh times that I was not prepared to do, but I was telling a story that also belonged my husband and more importantly, my kids. It wasn't only mine to tell - at least not so publicly. So this blog has become more about our lives as a family with an occasional blurb here and there about Foster Care/Infertility/and or/Adoption. Because I DO still care about couples hoping to adopt, or foster, or struggling to build their family genetically. While this may not sit well with so many jaded adoptee bloggers out there, WE are people too, and we have also dealt with loss, grief, abandonment, anger and sadness. We are NOT immune to the adoption process and all of it's tragedies.

We are carefully trying to keep cautious communication with our children's birth parents, but it's not easy. Secretly, in the selfish heart of my hearts, I would love to quietly run away and never tell my kids they are adopted and live in the perfect world of a family that is created biologically. Not because I don't want my kids to know their bio families, or vice versa, but just to spare the hurt - The hurt that is bound to show it's ugly head from time to time when my kids are assigned a school project on genetics in Science class, or the dreaded day that I discipline one of them and hear the words every adoptive mom or step mom fears..."You can't tell me what to do...You're NOT MY REAL MOM!"

Because...

There is no way around it. These things WILL happen. They won't happen every day, and they won't define us as a family (I hope and pray), but they WILL happen, and IT WILL HURT.

As humans, we don't want to hurt. In fact, we do everything humanly possible to avoid painful situations. We humans, and other living beings on this earth, do one of two things - We either FIGHT or FLIGHT! We choose to battle back to avoid the suffering, OR we run like hell and try to move on pretending we aren't affected, disturbed, sad and wounded - But either way, we always are!

Hurt, Pain, Loss and Gain...

None of us are exceptions. We all fall onto the spectrum during life. It doesn't matter. You can be an adoptee, an adoptive couple, a foster child, a birth mom, a birth dad, an infertile woman, and so on... We are all victims to these hardships in life. None of us are spared.

Halloween and Fall Fun!

2010-11-14T13:52:00.000-08:00

Wow...We've been busy with work, college football, recently started basketball, Halloween, parties, potty training, Grandpa's birthday, and OH YEAH... Our house is FOR SALE!

Speaking of our house being for sale... I am crabby today b/c we found the house and YARD of our dreams and we have only had 5 showings. The problem... we can't do *jack* until we get a contract. And how are we going to get a contract when no one is coming to see our house? :( Of the 5 showings, 3 of them has been the SAME couple. They have looked at our house 3 times!! BUY IT ALREADY! OK, I'm done with that rant...haha. I'm trying to work on the instant gratification trait of mine, and you would think after the hellacious time we went through to build our family it would just be old hat for me... Ughhh. Not so much!

Life is GREAT though and here's the proof!

The Bug's Halloween Dance Class

HALLOWEEN!!!

Zachy"isms"

2010-11-01T14:37:00.000-07:00

Zachy, you are a little better than 2.5 years old. I cannot believe it baby boy! My goodness how sweet your kisses are and I love nothing more than snuggling with you. Of course 2.5 year olds say funny things all the time, and you are no exception.

Here are a few of the crazy things you say and do all of the time these days.

"I want a awful" = I want a waffle
"eww cummin mommy?" = You coming Mommy? -When I am walking behind you.
"I want Monkey Cheese!" = I want to go to Chuck E Cheese
"I want yellow muffins..." = I want banana nut muffins - You say this in the winiest voice you have and it's usually the first thing you say EVERY single morning!
"NO Yidia!" = NO Lydia!
"I want wovy, binky" = I want my lovey and binky (But just the other night the Binky Bunny came and got all of your binkys and took them to the babies that needed them!

In fact, you don't need your binky anymore b/c YOU are a BIG BOY!!! 2 weeks ago you started wearing UNDERWEAR and you're doing GREAT! You have a few accidents from time to time but we are SO PROUD of you!!!

You also LOVE playing with Lydia's little toy computer she has but you don't really play the educational games on it. You like the VIDEO games. Hahaha. You are ALL boy! You like to pay with Lego's and trains and cars and trucks. You also LOVE stuffed animals and every few months you pick a new favorite. Right now it's a little tiger that I think Grandma bought you once. You LOVE to play outside and ride your big wheel. You can't quite reach the pedals yet, but almost.

You are so sweet and love to cuddle, which makes mommy very happy! You have a beautiful smile and a sweet disposition. You say "please" and "thank you" all the time and and "bless you" when we sneeze. I love it! You are also VERY smart! You can count up to 20, I know, but I think you can even go farther than that. You know your ABC's and recognize all of your letters by sight. You know the days of the week and so much more! We are amazed by you! I think that big brain you have also makes you think everything is about YOU! Oh wait...maybe that's just b/c you are 2! ;) You can throw an awesome temper tantrum like nobody's business! Most of the time I just giggle to myself b/c I know it won't last forever and it's exactly what you are supposed to be doing my big 2.5 year old boy!

I love you more than you will ever know! Sweet Dreams little man...

Teen Mom

2010-10-27T05:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Paparazzi and Media,

PLEASE, I BEG YOU, PLEASE STOP glamorizing the Teen Mom's from MTV. Everywhere we look we see their faces. You have plastered their pictures all over every magazine in the grocery store right next to Angelina Jolie and Katy Perry. Since when did a young, struggling teenage mom earn the cover of your digest week after week after week as if she is Madonna herself. I know you realize the message you are sending our wee ones, I just ask you to consider the ethics behind it. A recent People cover showed a cute picture of Catelynn and Tyler (the young couple who placed their baby for adoption) and the headline read: "We miss our baby" - leaving the millions who simply glimpse at it as they walk by to assume they are saying they made a mistake by placing. But if you actually read the article, or know anything about these sweet kids they are clearly happy with their choice - Irresponsible journalism at it's best!

Teenage pregnancy is a crisis in our country. There is nothing glamorous about being a teen mom yet, you are sending this skewed message to our youth every time you chase them around with cameras on the street or sit them down with beautiful hair and makeup to do a photo shoot as you would a rock star. It's really sickening. Please STOP this madness.

Sincerely,
A responsible ADULT mom who realizes the true realities of motherhood - unlike the 14 year old KIDS you are marketing too.

It's just MY perspective Part 2

2010-10-11T17:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, But first... My team ~ Vanderbilt ~WON BIG this weekend! We are a SEC team that can't usually pull our weight on the field, due to our high IQ's. And I mean that literally. Vandy is the only team in the SEC that carries extremely high standards when it comes to academics. It doesn't matter how well you carry the ball or how fast you can run. If you can't cut it in the classroom, you can't play with us. I have mixed emotions about this. But that's not for today!

Carrying on.....

So...as I started searching and reading in my newly found blog world, I found some great blogs of adoptees and birthmothers and also some really, really, disturbing blogs. And I am not here to judge. In fact, that's my whole point. But my g-d I had NO IDEA there were so many ANGRY adoptees out there. I pray that is a time of the past, as some of us adoptive parents are now realizing the importance of OPEN adoption and COMMUNICATION. I am the communicator to both of my children's birth families. I don't do that for Seth and me, I do that for my kids and their families. And honestly. We love Lydia's birthmom and also Zachary's family - but truth be told - it would be the easy life to disregard them and carry on.

Both Lydia and Zac's parents put us through HELL! They also put our kids through unnecessary trauma ~ but I get it. We were all living our own situations. At least in our tiny little world for OUR kids ~ I get it. And maybe one day I will share their whole stories - with their permission.
Anyhow - For this part of MY PERSPECTIVE - I just Can't BELIEVE HOW MEAN others can be on one another's blog. Whether you are an adoptee, an adopter, an infertile couple or whatever... For the love of G-D - We are all suffering - Can't we all just GET ALONG???

Apparently NOT! - MORE TO COME, I guess.

Just because we were CUTE way back when...

From My Perspective....PART ONE

2010-09-30T14:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, not that my perspective means a hill of beans in this ginormous blogosphere, but when it comes to my experience with infertility, fostering, and adopting (both almost internationally, and domestically) I think I know just a little something. But yet, it's still just from MY perspective.
Recently, I fixed up two of our single friends. At first they hit it off quite well, but a month later (actually yesterday) one of them broke it off. I quickly learned my lesson as a matchmaker because I was caught right smack dab in the middle. It was entirely fascinating to me how DIFFERENTLY both of them perceived how the relationship was going and eventually its demise. I mean, they both shared the exact same experience and both saw it sooooo differently. NO wonder it didn't work out.

Anyhow, as I have had this post brewing in my head the last several weeks, I couldn't help of thinking and linking that example to all of the controversy I read all over the blogging world about adoption and infertility. Wow! I had NO idea there was so much disagreement, but there sure as hell is.

I have had a private blog since 2005. My blog started simply through a google search on international adoption. Five years ago I didn't even know what a blog was. I remember asking Seth and he vaguely explained it. I clicked on the site Journey To Me and wall-ahhh, I was able to read hundreds of different blogs from others who were also adopting/adopted overseas. What an awesome resource as we were blindly about to begin this journey. I have always loved to read and write and since we had just recently decided to abandon fertility treatment and move toward adoption I found a home here for my thoughts, fears and excitement. It started out so innocently. We were so excited and wanted to share our BIG news of our choice of international adoption! Little did we know it would turn into a blog about LYDIA and not the baby we were hoping to adopt from China.

That blog went on for a little bit better than three years. It became our safe haven to update our friends and family about Lydia and C and court dates, trials, advocacy, tears, joy and all the rest. It was RAW. It came from my heart. It spared us from coming home from disappointing visits and court hearings and having to rehash it a thousand times over to everyone that was loving us, supporting us and praying for us. We were up and down and all around and it was a journey I hope I never have to repeat. My blog was a therapeutic life saver for me at the time.
When we finally adopted Zachary and then two months later were FINALLY able to adopt Lydia I felt the need to share. I wanted to help. I remember the many conversations with Seth and a few others while we were fostering Lydia. I saw firsthand how terribly screwed up the foster system was and I was determined that once this ride with Lydia was over, I was going to change it! I was going to write letters and maybe a book. I knew I had to be a voice on behalf of all the foster children and foster parents out there. Even if it took screaming at the top of my lungs, I was going to scream! Well, you know how that goes. I did try. I did make a couple of lame attempts with a few connections I had made and ranted and raved a little. But I am ashamed to say, that's as far as I got at least from a community stand point. I'd like to place the blame on my sudden parenthood to a newborn and toddler, but honestly, I can't. I could have done more. I still could and should!

My guilt (remember I am Catholic haha) about not pursuing change in the system crept up on me and one day I had the brilliant idea of changing my private blog to a public blog to reach out to others who may have questions or need support in the arena of infertility/foster care/adoption and so forth. I could at least do that! I had all of this knowledge and experience from the inside out (I am also a Social Worker) and I would have given anything to have someone to talk to who had walked in similar shoes when I needed support or questions answered. And with that, my public blog started here.

Ok, so you know how when you are going through a horrific time in life you always feel like YOU are the ONLY one dealing with this hell, and NO ONE else could possibly understand - well - that was the place I was coming from after my experiences of finally having children of my own. And with that, I just knew what a HUGE help and difference I could make here on this PUBLIC blog. Hahahahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Ok, I had NO IDEA. Really? There are others out there...in fact I am finding, there are TONS of others out there. It's been awesome to connect and read all of your stories - many that are still going through the heartache of infertility - or excited to begin their journey to adoption - OR- those that are battling for their foster children's rights against the ugliness of the system. I mean hell, I didn't even know what "followers" meant or how to comment - so you can imagine how surprised I was by all of YOU! LOL. But then, by accident through comments and other various posts here and there, I saw the flip side of the coin. I saw the strong community of adoptees' blogs and also birthmothers that have bonded together and I was hooked. I wanted to read and read and absorb absolutely every word they write. I wanted to know that world and try to understand and experience from THEIR perspective. I wanted that for Seth and me, but so much more than that, I wanted it for MY Children, and my children's BIRTHMOTHERS and FATHERS!

And I STILL DO! Every day I am reading their blogs and trying to learn from them.

To Be Continued...I Have to go switch the laundry around and pick up toys - More on simply MY perspective coming soon.

My (pre) Thoughts on Adoption Issues

2010-09-30T06:22:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all the comments and thoughts on potty training and such. I think Zachy will be sporting undies this weekend. Wish us luck. ;)

On another note. I have noticed a lot of controversial blog posts and comments regarding adoption. I have been thinking about this for several days now and have a post of my own brewing in my head. Hopefully I can get my thoughts to the keyboard this afternoon.

Conquer and Prevail!

2010-09-21T17:45:00.000-07:00

Our Vanderbilt Commodores WON this weekend. So did Purdue. It was a GREAT day in the Taylor house on Saturday.

Now can someone PLEASE tell me how to "Conquer and Prevail" (which by the way is a Vandy cheer!) with the binky and potty training?? Zachy is 2.5 and needs to tell the binkys and diapers GOODBYE!

At this point I feel like he is going to be starting Kindergarten with them.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

2010-09-15T14:24:00.000-07:00

Daddy wasn't able to spend his 36th birthday with us yesterday because he had to be at his annual "huddle" at work. In fact, he will be there all week. So Friday we will celebrate his birthday in style, but the kids and I celebrated yesterday in his honor.

Happy Birthday to the BEST Daddy and Husband we could ever Dream of. We love you!

Lydi-isms

2010-09-13T14:53:00.000-07:00

I have decided that since I truly suck at writing in their baby books anymore, I really need to start ~~writing, typing, videoing,~~ DOING SOMETHING to keep track of the hilarious things that come out of these kids mouths.

Last week Lydia came home from preschool with her usual "daily sheet" explaining briefly about her day. Apparently she declared to her 65 year old (very sweet grandmotherly) teacher and the rest of the 4 and 5 year olds in her class that she was going to be a BARTENDER when she grew up!

Seriously? Oh Good Lord, Just shoot me now.

Blog Like A Champion Today!

2010-09-05T14:47:00.000-07:00

We just got home from South Bend, where we spent the weekend at Notre Dame. Can you tell by my blog title? Haha. This explains it of you're not familiar. Everything you see there displays this slogan and so many more, "Drive like A Champion today" were signs in the parking lots, "Drink like A Champion Today" were slogans on student t-shirts and so on... So, I thought, hell, why not. Haha.

I LOVED the campus and all the tradition. I loved the beautiful Basilica and the Grotto. Purdue lost, so that kind of sucked, but it was an AWESOME weekend. Where else can you befriend two elderly nuns at a bar? TRUE STORY! We even exchanged addresses. It was a weekend to go down in the books! GREAT TIME! And here are a few pictures...

This was taken Friday, when we were touring campus.

ME with Touchdown Jesus!

The Purdue Football Trailer!

A little bit of Tailgating Going On...Seth enjoying a Diet Coke and....

Seth's Best Friend Brad and Me

CORNHOLE!

We're already ready for next weekend! :) Happy Labor Day!

Excitment, Anticipation, and Wonder

2010-09-01T14:18:00.000-07:00

It's THAT time of the year again! It's FOOTBALL SEASON! It's cooler weather, it's FALL! I LOVE the Fall! I love, love, love it! I love getting back into routine and opening the windows. I love to burn pumpkin and evergreen scent candles. I love watching football and wearing sweatshirts, and tailgating with friends. I love the reds and browns and bright orange everywhere. It's time for chili and garlic bread. And we are READY! Yipppeeee! Seth and I have tickets to the Purdue Vs. Notre Dame game in South Bend this weekend. We are so excited. The kids are going to my parents. We fly out Friday morning. I think the kids are excited as we are. :)

I am so glad that monday is a holiday and we get an extra day to hang out at home. We have a lot to do. We are diligently working on the house to get it ready to sell. Next week brings us back to BUSY at full speed ahead. The Bug will start back to weekly dance and swim lessons. Seth and I will start back to foster parent trainings. Weekends will be filled with LOTS of tailgating and football games.

This fall our house will become OPEN for fostering again and also be placed on the market. How that is going to work is yet to be determined. It will be interesting! It's exciting though!

I wonder what in the world the last part of 2010 will bring.

LYDIA IS READY TO CHEER ON THE BLACK AND GOLD! GO DORES! & BOILER UP!

Kindergarten Issues

2010-08-28T11:06:00.000-07:00

I am totally confused and stressed about Kindergarten and where we will send the kids. Lydia will start next fall. I can't believe it, but she will. We have grown OUT of our house. We need more space and more storage but we are running into obstacles everywhere. And I am just at a loss. Seth wants me to have answers and I just don't have them. I don't like that feeling.

As I see it today, we have several options. Options are good I guess...Hmphhh.

1. The school we are zoned to is WAY overcrowded. We live in the best school zone in TN, but when they built our HUGE subdivision they did not plan for the thousands of children that would be attending school. Brilliant, huh? Anyhow, there is a tentative plan in the works to build a new school but it certainly won't be up and ready by next fall. I am OK with all of that b/c if we are zoned for the new school after Lydia starts, all of our neighbors will be as well, so it's not like Lydia would be starting all over again. She would at least know most of the other kids that would be switching to the new school. This of course is assuming we can't/don't sell our house OR buy another house still within our school zone.

2. We put our house on the market right away (and work our asses off to get it ready, b/c it is NOT ready), cross our fingers and pray that our house sells, we find our dream home and we are all settled by this time next fall. HOWEVER, have you seen the housing market lately? (((((SIGH))))))

3. We put Lydia in the Catholic Elementary school that is 20 minutes away from our home which is problem number ONE. Problem number TWO is having to pay tuition... UGH...Isn't there a reason we moved to the best school district around? Lastly, do we really want to put our kids in the white, Catholic bubble? Life is about diversity and it is VERY important to us that our kids grow up with knowing and accepting those different from us. The upside...Catholic education, UNIFORMS, a wonderful community for our whole family.

4. We send the kids to MY school district that I work for. I work for the city schools (we are zoned for the county schools). I hand pick their schools and teachers. That's a PLUS! The trouble with this is HUGE though...I am a contractor - not an employee. I know they would allow me to put my kids in their schools, BUT, what if my contract ends. What if they can't fund it next year, or in three years...We can't take that chance. I can't bear the thought of uprooting my kids from all of their friends and familiarity. ALSO - and I know this is going to sound crazy BUT, I am the Behavior Specialist for the district. I KNOW the kind of students we have. We definitely have diversity. LOTS of diversity. I just said we wanted our kids exposed to diversity right? So why am I afraid of it? I guess I don't my children to learn the F YOU expression at 5 years old...Ughhh.

I am so confused.

To my surprise, I saw this issue on the horizon last year. I don't know what to do. BUT, my gut is telling me to put my house on the market and see what happens. The response to that may answer a lot of our questions for us.

Alone Time

2010-08-23T14:40:00.000-07:00

I never used to need or want alone time. I am energized by socializing. I dated a guy once that was the complete opposite. At the time I didn't get and didn't even try to understand it. Let's just say, there is a reason we aren't together now~BUT, I am starting to come around. It's not necessarily my personality. I am still outgoing and touchy feely, and like deep conversation, but I DEFINITELY NEED my alone time now.

I need time to just sit quietly and check my email and read some blogs. I need to sit down at night and enjoy a funny T.V. show (like The Modern Family) without thinking of my to do lists or worrying about what tomorrow brings. I don't want to text you, or answer your call. I don't want to change a diaper or fold laundry. I just want to sit and be.

This is new for me. I am trying to figure out how to do it peacefully, without feeling guilty. It's a work in progress.

On another note...Lydia's FIRST day of Pre-K was today! Pre-K...One year from Kindergarten. REALLY? How did THAT happen?

In just a few short weeks it will be 4 years ago that you showed up at our front door smiling ear from ear. You are Dream Come True Lydia! I love you!

Waiting...

2010-08-18T13:33:00.001-07:00

We are ready to foster. I have called our agency - TWICE. I have emailed them and sent 2 texts. STILL, we have not gotten the information about when we need to update training OR have an appointment to update our homestudy. I am going to call again this afternoon. Ughh. I just love our agency, but I am not going to BEG them to be a foster parent for them. There are a bizzlion kids in foster care waiting and needing homes. Come On!

Back on the Foster Care Horse

2010-08-10T13:33:00.000-07:00

We decided last week that we were going to put our hand back in the foster care world. I called our agency and told them yesterday. We have a lot of training to catch up on -

b/c you know, I, as an LMSW and Seth as an accidental LMSW by marriage, and a former foster parent KNOW NOTHING!
I mean seriously, if you grew up in a home whose parents fostered - Check, got a BSW in college and then went to work in the foster care system - Check, went back to school and got a MASTERS degree in this work - Check, AND have also fostered several kids and adopted from the system - Check - then REALLY shouldn't you be exempt from these trainings, which I consider an insult of my intelligence. I'm just saying.

While we are ~~wasting our time~~ attending training we will also be getting a new homestudy, physicals, and all of the financial stuff wrapped up! Pretty soon we will be set to go again. We are excited and anxious to see what this go around brings us.

Here we go again!

My Kids and their Birth Families

2010-08-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

I started a blog a LONG time ago. It was private. It was for friends and family when we decided to abandon anymore infertility treatment and adopt. Our plan...haha. It wasn't God's. We decided that we would adopt from China. We were sure we would welcome a beautiful baby girl orphaned and in need of us.

While we waited we decided to foster. In our minds, there was no better time. We were childless which meant we were open to any and every foster kid that might come our way. We didn't need to worry about kids that were violent, or had been abused or what age they were. We were a young single couple ready and excited to begin the journey while we waited patiently for Madeline - Our to-be adopted child from China.

We were DCS foster parents and 7 months later had only received ONE call in the middle of the night for a placement that we couldn't take - Seth was out of town. We were frustrated and felt out timeline winding down, expecting only an 18 month wait to travel to china for Madeline. As you all know by now, I am a Social Worker and was aware of the other foster care agencies around so I contacted a private agency. They seemed excited and sent some paperwork. We had barely were able to start filling it out when we got this call from them...
"Mrs. Taylor, I know we haven't met yet, but my name is Rachel. I am from the agency. I wanted to talk to you about a possible placement." She told me about a 14 year old girl that had come into custody. Her 4 month old baby had been in custody for a week in another foster home. They wanted to place them together and the current babies foster home would not accept the teenage mother. ( - I later found out this was NOT true and the family would have welcomed C into their home - Just ONE of many F ups that DCS made.)

I said YES without hesitation and called Seth. He was excited. They would be at our house with both girls by 8:00. We had 3 hours to prepare.
Fast Forward-
C and Lydia were with us for 3 weeks when C ran away. C did BEAUTIFULLY when she was here. I loved her and STILL DO! She is a sweet soul that was simply repeating the family cycle as we all humans do.

Background- C's mom - in prison all of C's life, C's father- Last known, in prison - but who knows. C's grandmother who had custody- suspected of selling drugs out of the house. Lydia's BF- 18 and in and out of jail. He is Currently in prison for a long time. C's new "husband" - also now in prison. C's Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, etc... In and out of jail. They have all been arrested for SERIOUS offenses. Many of them society would consider them dangerous. I know we do. But, of the few we have met, given different circumstances, given different life events I KNOW would have different outcomes.

Just recently, I made contact with C through myspace. - NO, I didn't have a myspace account until I found C - I am 35 for goodness sake! haha. It has been really nice. We even spoke on the phone once. I have been sending letters and pictures. We have exchanged a few emails.

C is the only one that doesn't hate us. She lived with us. She and I bonded. And although it was only 3 weeks, our hearts met. I can't explain it. I don't even know how to put it in words. I know Lydia will someday want to know, but all I will know to say is that...It was a GOD THING! - Totally overused cliche, I know...but C stayed just long enough with us to know that Lydia was safe. She stayed just long enough to know that Lydia was LOVED and would be cared for. While it is all still confusing and we have to be ultra careful, I look back and see God's hand in EVERYTHING. - Ummm, Ok, maybe not everything - NASTY DCS Worker and - RIDICULOUS DCS policies - But mostly everything. :)

I try very hard, as of late (for obvious reasons) to reconnect with Lydia's biological family. NOT FOR ME - FOR HER!!! Never Ever do I want my kids to hurt, or wonder.

Zachary's biological family is very different - Not better, Not worse - just VERY different. As I understand it to be, Zachary was either the youngest of 7 or 8 - There is some sketchy information. They loved him, but simply couldn't afford to care for another baby. Our relationship was mostly with his father Kevan. He is a GREAT MAN! He is kind and honest. He Loves Zachy, as does his BirthMOM. We had A LOT of problems, complications and heartache adopting Zac. BM was brainwashed by attorney and shopping around for AP at a better price -Our attorney got DRUNK - LITTER LY - and somehow, between all of the madness - we came home without him. We were told that BM had decided to parent by the hospital SW'r. We went home, SWEARING we would NEVER go through anything like that again - THIS WAS OUR SECOND FAILED ADOPTION! Then we got the call, two days later on a Friday morning. Ten VERY LONG and complicated days later, Zachary was OURS!!!

Since we brought Zachy home, I have sent about 3 or 4 letters to his birth family. I have also had contact with Kevan. We have text back and forth. Recently, they have asked us to STOP with letters and pictures. It makes me sad for them and it makes me sad for Zachary. Now we will wait. I will always and always respect them in THEIR TIME!!!

A letter to C

2010-08-03T13:54:00.000-07:00

C is Lydia's birthmom. If you don't know, C and her baby Lydia came to us as foster children in 2006. Lydi was 5 months old. C had just turned 15. They were with us for 3 weeks. We had just gotten them settled into daycare and high school when C ran away.

There was one hell of a journey between then and Lydia's adoption. Recently I found C on MySpace and connected with her. Since 2006, she has given birth to another baby. A baby boy. As I understand it, he went straight into care but she recently got him back. That means she worked her plan and is doing well. That makes me SO HAPPY. She is a sweet soul. She is a lost soul. She has no support. No proper family to help. I am PROUD of her and pray this road of success continues on and on for her.

Anyhow. I wrote her a letter today. This will be the second letter I have sent since we connected online. Now that I have commented and emailed with several of you birthmoms... I would like your honest opinion. I don't want to push her away, although I am not as willing to allow her into our lives as I would Zachy's BPs. That is only for the safety of Lydia and our family. I do want to know though...She is 19 and we come from totally different worlds.

Does this sound completely dumb to a 19 year old?

Do I sound like I am stepping off of the set of the Brady Brunch? Too much Suburbia?

Am I asking too many questions or not enough?

I am including a few pics too...I always wonder though...Candid or Posed? Everyday or Special Occasion?

Man, This is HARD! Here is the letter....

August 3, 2010

Hi C.

Happy Birthday!! I can’t believe you are 19! You are growing up quickly! Last we spoke you were about to finish your GED. Hope you accomplished all of your goals. I saw online that you are no longer having to go to court for baby boy. I am very happy for you and very proud of you! I know you love him and how hard you have worked for this! I know you will give him a good life.

Our summer has been very busy. Lydia was on the neighborhood swim team and did AWESOME! She is a great swimmer and LOVES the water. We took a trip to Florida and she loves the beach! She had her first dance recital this summer and she danced her little heart out! She’s a little firecracker you know! She wants to wear a “princess dress” everyday and is already learning to read all on her own. She is too smart for her own good. :)

Her hair is getting really long and she won’t even discuss getting it cut. She knows what she wants and we love her for it! She wanted her ears pierced so badly so we agreed she could get them pierced. She was so excited and so brave, UNTIL she saw the needle and then quickly changed her mind and decided she should wait until she was older. It was so cute and we were so proud of her for trying!
In a month she will start Pre-K at her preschool. It’s crazy to think that she is going to be in Kindergarten next year. If she had it her way she would already be in the 2nd grade. Haha. She talks about school all the time and gets out paper and pencils and tells us she is “doing her homework.” Her favorite movies right now are Annie, and anything Strawberry Shortcake! If we are in the car she wants to listen to Taylor Swift over and over. She LOVES the song “You Belong to Me.” She knows every word! She likes to pretend she is a rock star! She will line up all of the chairs in the house and place a doll or stuffed animal in each one (oh, and of course us humans too), and puts on shows for us. It is hysterical to watch. She truly is a performer.

I don’t know about you, but we are all ready for some cooler weather! We are growing tired of these hot and sticky days. Otherwise we are all hanging in there. I hope you and your family are doing well. Please pass along our hellos. If you get a chance, I know Lydia would love to have some pictures of you and baby boy and know how you are doing. We sure do love seeing the new pics you post on MySpace. Baby boy and Lydia look a lot alike!

Continue to work hard for yourself and baby boy. We are always thinking of you, speaking of you, and praying for you.

All the Best,
Katie

Busy w/ Summer

2010-07-28T07:46:00.000-07:00

We have had such a GREAT summer, although we haven't stopped.

-Trip to the beach- CHECK
-Trip to Holiday World- CHECK
-Trips to the pool- CHECK
-Trips to the lake- CHECK

Of course, my BIG plans of deep cleaning my house room by room has fallen by the wayside. But we have spent some GREAT family time together and even got to spend the last 4 days with our ENTIRE extended (except for one SIL) and nuclear family together at the lake house. That hasn't happened in years! It was great FUN! And one of the highlights of the summer was my sister and I reuniting with some cousins we haven't seen in 30 years. Thanks Facebook!

Now work is right around the corner rearing it's ugly head...BUT, if you know me. I am READY to get back into routine. I am ready for cooler weather and FOOTBALL!

My sister and I with our cousins in MN

Lake fun w/ Family in KY

Sweet Cousins

My nephew Sam

My beautiful SIL Sara and Zachy

Fishing with Uncle Matt and Cousin Nathan

Hanging at the lake house

Adoption Struggles from BOTH Ends

2010-07-12T12:47:00.001-07:00

It's so hard to know what to say, what to do...from beginning (home study, Dear BM letter) to end - post placement - even years later.

I have always sent Zachary's birth parents letters and pictures. I think I have sent 3 or 4 in the last few years, including several pics via cell phone to Kevan, his Birth Father.

They recently moved and I (being stupid) misplaced their address. So I just sent Kevan a text asking him to please send me their address once more. He responded and told me that Jenny didn't want anymore letters or pictures. She was in too much pain still. :( My heart sank for her. I wish she was here and she could see him and hold him and kiss him. I wish she could see what a wonderful soul he is and how selfless her decision was. and how wonderfully happy he is. I just so badly want to be able to take her pain away. That will never happen. I know that. But it genuinely makes my so sad. I don't want anyone to hurt, let alone the mother of my baby who she lovingly placed in my arms.

I read lots of adoption books and also BM and AP's blogs. I try to see every perspective and try to accept all of the hurt feelings and anguish that occurs along the adoption journey for everyone. I wish I would have seen this coming. It tears me up to know that I have been sending pictures and letters that only made it harder for her. On the flip side, I so BADLY want this communication and relationship for Zachary.

I assured Kevan that we are always here, and in THEIR time we would love to hear from them. I promised the communication line would always be open - as long as it takes. I put the ball back in their court - even though it pains me to do so.

I don't know why I so much wish for an open adoption. Wait... Yes I do. I know how healthy they can be. I know how much Zachy is going to want to know where he is from, who he once belonged to and why he no longer does. I want him to have that piece. I also want so badly to take away Jenny and Kevan's pain, and I guess naively, I thought I was helping to do that by sharing his life with them.

Everyone grieves differently. I get that and I respect that. I guess I just wish I could heal just a tiny piece of there heart by passing along what an amazing little boy they brought into this world.

You are one little LOVED BOY Zachary Colin!

Summer is...

2010-07-11T12:49:00.000-07:00

Boats and Swimming, Barbeque's and Margaritas

HOT and Sticky

Busy and Boooring, Popsicles and Ice Cream

The Library and Catching Fireflies

Fireworks

Picnics and Bubbles

Ice Water, Pink Lemonade, and Strawberries

Long Naps, Good Books

Walks around the Block, Playing in the Sprinkler

Friends and Family

Sunglasses and Flip Flops and Stars in the Sky...

and I can't believe it's almost OVER. I go back to school in just a few weeks and the kids will return to full time daycare. It's been a jam packed few months and I can honestly say I have surprised myself! I have done well staying home with the kids. Granted, I have made sure we are always on the go, but I think I have done OK - NOT great - but OK. This may sound horrible, but I am a MUCH better mom to my kids when I am working. I like to work - especially part-time so that I have quality time with them when I am not. I LOVE my kids to end of the earth but I enjoy feeling productive outside the home. I like having adult conversations, and the social piece that comes along with working. Of course the grass is ALWAYS greener. When I am at work I miss my kids dearly and can't wait for the end of the day - but I know this is healthy for OUR family.

Seth has been gone the last couple of weeks and will be gone a few more. It's been hard. Kudos to single moms! I seriously don't know how you do it. I am so lucky to have my parents so close and nieces to babysit for next to nothing. They save me (and my kids - haha) in times like this - when Seth is gone for long spurts.

Last night I had a major meltdown. This morning I had a small one. Yesterday I locked my keys in the car. Lydia tests me over and over again (as any 4 year old does) until I almost explode. Zachary throws fit after fit after fit, screaming and kicking and throwing his little body around like a rag doll (as all two year olds do) when he doesn't get his way. The TV remote stopped working and the hatchback in my mini van won't stay up by itself anymore - making unloading $150 worth of groceries in 95 degree heat tons of FUN! I attempted mass this morning. I don't know why but I did. It SUCKED! We ended up leaving half way through. The shitty-est part of it all was that we were going to get donuts and smoothies after mass if they were good and they WEREN'T - so we skipped it. I don't know when I will learn to stop threatening consequences when it hurts me more than them! hahahaa. My mom has had Lydia for the day and she called me a few minutes ago laughing. She said, "Boy, have I gotten an earful about your weekend." Hahaha. I guess Lydia informed my mom that "Me and Mommy just need a little bit of time apart." Hmmmm. I wonder where she got that!

Anyhow...Seth will be home tomorrow (at least for a few days) and then on Wed. I am leaving to go on a girls trip with my mom and sister to Minneapolis to see my Aunt Pat. I can't wait!

In closing Lydia was INSISTING on getting her ears pierced yesterday. God love her. She was sooo excited! It was all going great until she saw the piercing gun out of the corner of her eyes. Oh well...She has decided that she wants to wait until she is older now.

I am so PROUD of YOU for trying LYDI BUG!!! Don't worry - Your day will come and it will be SO SPECIAL!

I LOVE YOU LYDIA AND ZACHY!

Alive and Well

2010-07-07T14:53:00.000-07:00

We are.. I promise. It's been nuts around here. The kids are in daycare tomorrow so I may just have some free time to blog. That is after I cleanout the pantry, fridge and so on... haha. I have some cute pics to post. :)

WHAT are we going to do TODAY?

2010-06-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

Kelly is talking about activities for kids today. It cracks me up b/c I could go on forever. I feel like we haven't slowed down since the day I got off for the summer. truthfully, I sort of dread the summer b/c the last several years have been soooo hard. The kids are a little older now though and this summer has been a lot more enjoyable.

I would lOVE to do some of the FUN activities I have read about on all the other sites but good heavens, we haven't slowed down long enough this summer to breath.

I have been taking Lydia to swim lessons for 2 years now to the best program in Nashville. The problem...It's in Nashville. I'm a big wimp b/c it takes (tops) 25 minutes to get there - we live in a suburb just outside the city. BUT...I got so sick of driving up there. So, I asked her swim lesson coach who i could contact in our area just for the summer. And she suggested we put her on our neighborhood SWIM TEAM! WHAT??? She's 4! She is BARELY 4! The swim team? Can she even swim? She looked at me like I had 4 heads and said "Of course she can swim!" So, hesitantly, I signed her up.

AND...

She's a FISH!

Here are some pics of her first meet - where she actually placed 4th in the backstroke with 5 and 6 year olds!

Excited it's HER turn!

Swimmer's Take Your Mark...

Get Set Go!

Taking a break for a breath and a smile!

FINISH!

Here's the kicker... I chose to put her on our neighborhood swim team b/c I was tired of the commitment of driving into Nashville. Oh Good Lord. Swim team is 100x's that wienie drive. She has practice EVERY DAY! And the meets are roughly once a week! So, the jokes on me I suppose. Although, she LOVES it. She is learning so much and building endurance and we have met lots of great new neighbors. It's worth it.

Lately, when we have not been at the pool, we are dance and dress rehearsal for the recital on Saturday. I have one BUSY 4 year old! Her recital is tomorrow - AT LAST and then at least we will slow down a little.

Then we can get back to the things we love to do in the summer. Here are some of the things I have done with the kids that last couple summers to stay busy...

The Local Library - Ours has Toddler and Preschool times where they read stories, sing songs and make some sort of craft. It's AWESOME and takes at least an hour! haha.
The Mall Playground - It's INDOORS and they love it! - then we usually go to the food court and to eat lunch. This takes the "what am i going to feed them for lunch" and the messy kitchen clean up out of the equation.
Bowling - Our bowling alley has 1 free game per kid all summer long. We meet some friends and let the kids have fun. And...if you can get enough people together you can drag a free game out for a Loooong time. hehe.
Chuck E Cheese - I love this place for several reasons but mostly b/c they serve BEER! Haha. j/k...(sort of) But also b/c you can get tons of coupons and feed and entertain the kids for hours at this joint. If you can handle the chaos, you can kill more than an hour here!
Oh, and I almost forgot...Check out your local movie theatre. Many around us offer free (or next to nothing) children's movies during the day (typically morning hours). We haven't gotten a chance to do that yet this summer, but intend too.

Ok, are you getting the feeling I do not enjoy my LONG summer days at home with my kids - B/C you would be wrong. I DO - BUT only if we can stay VERY busy. I am really good at filling up the mornings up until nap time. What I struggle with is the witch hours of 3 - 5:30ish...Does any one else wish these hours away. Man, I do!

That's my contribution. Thanks Kelly and everyone out there with great ideas!

An ALL Afternoon Affair

2010-06-23T15:19:00.000-07:00

I swear - for me...changing pictures on this damn blog is like rocket science. It has taken me HOURS!

Why am I so terribly bad at it? I don't know. Perhaps it has something to do with my absolute blog neglection.

I promise I will be back. - That's a promise to myself. Haaaa.

2010-06-08T13:48:00.000-07:00

I really don't have much to say today soooo Here it is...

Stolen from Adorable BB

If I were a month, I’d be October.
If I were a day of the week, I’d be a Friday.
If I were a time of day, I’d be 8:00AM.
If I were a planet, I’d be Earth.
If I were a sea animal, I’d be a dolphin.
If I were a direction, I’d be West.
If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be an ottoman.
If I were a liquid, I’d be water.
If I were a gemstone, I’d be a garnet.
If I were a tree, I’d be a dogwood.
If I were a tool, I’d be a screwdriver.
If I were a flower, I’d be a tulip.
If I were a kind of weather, I’d be a crisp fall day.
If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a piano.
If I were a color, I’d be lavender.
If I were an emotion, I’d be hope.
If I were a fruit, I’d be a pineapple.
If I were a sound, I’d be a happy cheer.
If I were an element, I’d be oxygen.
If I were a car, I’d be a convertible.
If I were a food, I’d be a chocolate cake.
If I were a place I'd be a HOME.
If I were a material, I’d be corduroy.
If I were a taste, I’d be a blueberry.
If I were a scent, I’d be crisp fresh linens.
If I were an object, I’d be a blanket.
If I were a body part, I’d be the heart.
If I were a facial expression, I’d be a smile.
If I were a song, I’d be a written by Billy Joel.
If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be flip flops.

Kindness

2010-06-04T12:01:00.000-07:00

Kelly's Blog encourages us to tell or share acts of kindness. And I can't wait to share this story with you.

I LOVE random acts of kindness. They make my heart HAPPY. Ok, here goes...

Story# 1

So, I was in college. It was the end of spring semester and I cam home. Well, when you come home from college and all your old HS friends are home what do you do? You go out and DRINK. You go out and drink with the fake ID's that you so proudly acquired while attending college. SWEET! -So, I met my friends out at the most awesome place in Nashville - San Antonio Taco Co. YUUMMMM. My mouth is watering as I type. Anyhow...here we were. The gang was back together again. I don't know if you remember, b/c I barely do...but at the end of the semester in college, you could sell all of the text books (that you never cracked) for at least 1/3 of the ridiculous price that you paid for it. So - ALL of us prepared with our fake ID's and a tiny bit of cash, we were living it up at SATCO! It was FUN! Until I got home and realized that I had LOST my wallet. And in my wallet was my FAKE ID and MY CASH - both - happened to be my absolute PRIDE and POSSESSION at the time. SHIT!!!!!

So, here I was...home for the summer with NO money, but more importantly NO ID. CRAP!

*Now, judge here if you want, but I was a COLLEGE student. And if you didn't get to experience these things...well... then you are just jealous and will judge me. ;) I am ok with that. hehe.

Carrying on...about three weeks later my Mom brings me a small package and says..."This just came for you in the mail." I was confused and ripped into it like it was the barbie I wanted so badly for Christmas every year (My mom never let me play with barbies. She didn't like dolls that had hair! Huh??? I know, I don't get it either...).

Anyhow...IT WAS MY WALLET!! With EVERYTHING still in it - even my fake identification. I would have been happy with just that, but there was also a cashier's check with a note. I will never forget what it said.

"Times were hard and I had to borrow some money. Things are better now and I can afford to pay you back with a littel bit of interest." -Signed Annonymous.

I don't remember the exact amount that I lost or the amount of the cashiers check, but I do know that it was about 20.00 more than I had in my wallet. And sure enough I went to the bank and the cashiers check was vaild. Whoever NEEDED that money more than me at the time is my hero. Not only did he/she take the time and care to send my wallet with everything back to me, BUT pay me back with a bonus.

That takes class. And we all fall on hard times. I love this story!

Story #2 to come. It's all about My Hermy and but I have to emotionally redy for that.

Vacay 2010

2010-06-02T12:31:00.000-07:00

We are home finally home from the most amazingly wonderful family vacation ever! After having to abort all of our previous plans (for various reasons), we chose to go to ClubMed in Port St. Lucie, Fl. It was an absolute GREAT TIME! I wish we would have gotten more pictures, but so is life. We have our memories and that's what counts!
Here are just a few to share...
We're on our Way! - Lydi living it up on the plane.

The boys enjoying the sights from way up high
Some views of and around the resort

Still in her jammies, but READY to SWIM!

The kids LOVED the beach!

The Uber Awesome sandcastle Daddy and the kids built

My Boys! Oh how I love them so!

ADOPTION DAY 2010

2010-05-19T11:57:00.000-07:00

Happy Adoption Day Lydia!

Dear Lydia,

On Sept. 8, 2006 our lives were changed forever when you were placed in our home and into our hearts. Then 2 years ago TODAY, May 19, 2008, they were changed again and you were really truly OUR daughter. This was one of the happiest days of our lives. We waited so long for you and you were finally here...you were finally OURS! You have brought so much laughter and joy into our lives. Each and every day you make us proud to be your parents. We love you LydiBug! This is a day to celebrate you sweet girl, so CELEBRATE WE WILL!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

Adoption Day 2008

Happy Adoption Day 2008 Lunch at Fridays! This makes me SMILE!

Adoption Day Treat 2010 ~ I love you Lydia!

A Much Needed Break!

2010-05-18T13:31:00.000-07:00

This is my last week at work. Summer break is finally here! I love my job. It's my ideal job and it's what I worked for so hard in graduate school - BUT- this year has been a killer. I am not sure why this year and not the last three I have worked here but it has. And sadly, just like the foster care system that I also love and keep dear to my heart, it's not the kids, or the families that make it so difficult, but rather the "system". It's nothing to get into now, b.c. it's FINALLY summer and that's all I can think about!
In a few days we are headed to the Port St. Lucie area in Florida and we can't get there fast enough. We are all so excited and so READY for some sun and fun and relaxation. It's just us going, Seth and me and the kids. We've always traveled with other family and friends so we are looking forward to just enjoying each other this time.
I just thought I would jump on and update the ole' blog on recent happenings in our neck of the woods.

-School is almost out and the kids will only go to daycare on Tues, Thursday's this summer. That means Mommy's "Happy Hour" will start everyday about 10am. haha.

-Lydia's "Adoption Day" is tomorrow! She is soooo EXCITED! We'll have to do something small to celebrate. We really need to start an "Adoption Day Tradition" for the kids.

-I am going to start training for the next half marathon in Nashville when we get back from vacay. I am excited b.c. I need to lose some serious lbs.

-Zachary is soooooo ready to potty train. He asks to sit on the potty everyday and we are just awful b.c. WE are not ready. haha. I dread potty training, but it looks like that will be our summer time fun! Yee Haw!

-Zachy got an ALL CLEAR at the ENT last week and we told him GOODBYE! I still can't believe we went through ALL OF THIS and then he never ended up even needing tubes. I don't think I ever told you all that we ended up taking him to a pediatric pulmonologist at Vanderbilt after the big scare on the OR table and he told us he thought he had reflux. Sure enough...a bottle of Zantac later his ears and chest were all clear. CRAZY, but true! :)

-We have made contact with Christina (Lydia's birthmom) and she wrote and emailed us back! She just got married (she is 18 now), and she seems ok. She told me that she is finishing her GED. I hope we stay in contact.

-Nashville is still suffering from the FLOOD. So many people lost everything. We were so blessed and we have donated lots of things to take to church for the victims. I just can't imagine watching everything I own floating around in dirty flood water. Please keep all of those affected in your prayers.

I will leave you with some recent pics. HAPPY VACATION TO US!!!

Lydia ~~torturing~~ sharing her makeup with Zachy

CLASSIC: I think Zac would agree that torture is actually the correct word here.

That's a Beautiful Name...

2010-05-08T12:49:00.000-07:00

Kelly is doing her weekly "Show Us Your Life" and this week's theme is your kids names.

As most of you all know...Lydia was our foster baby. She arrived on our door step the day she turned 5 months old. When they called us for our first placement they told us it was for a 14 year old girl and her baby named "Star". Yikes...Star? Really? Oh well. Well, when they arrived I said hello to Christina and said, "This must be Star." She looked at me and said, "No, her name is Lydia." Whew...Much Better! Of course it turned out that she was named Lydia Star Marie. Remember, she was named by a 13 year old child - we were just thankful she picked Lydia - b/c I LOVE that name and so does everyone else. It seems anywhere we go she is always told how beautiful her name is. When we FINALLY were able to adopt her - almost 2 years later we dropped the double middle names and gave her a new one. She is now Lydia Kathryn. Kathryn (Katherine, Catherine) is a huge family name. It's my real name, it was my grandmothers middle name and the list goes on and on. I really LOVE that name.

The way we came up with Zachary's name is a pretty funny story. He is also adopted and we got the call to adopt him two years ago on a Thursday afternoon. The next Tuesday he was born. The weekend in between we had driven down to Little Rock to meet his birth parents and Jenny (his birthmom) was contracting the entire time we were with her. She wasn't a rookie at child birth and thought she would pop him out at anytime. She told us we should stay in Little Rock if we wanted to be there for the birth. He was born in the midst of March Madness and we ate dinner at the bar at Chili's that night watching basketball and waiting for the phone to ring. I remember it hitting me and I looked at Seth and said, "Oh shit... we're about to have a baby boy and we don't have names picked out." It became a baby naming event at the bar that night. everyone sitting with and around us were involved, especially the bartender. "What about so and so or this one..." We were writing them and saying them and it was hilarious.

Seth and I could never agree on a boy's name. The only one we could compromise on was Cole, and we both loved it... well... That was all great but the summer before we had another foster baby named Cole and you know how that goes. That was OUR Cole and now we could never use it for another. We finally narrowed it down to Zachary and Max. I really loved Max but we couldn't come up with a good middle one for a one syllable name. We also threw around Colin for a while and then the someone said, "How about Zachary Colin?" and alas, we had a name! Of course, little did we know of the naming crisis was only the beginning of what that fiasco weekend turned into - BUT - at least we had a name.

We would like and hope to adopt one more baby. If and when that happens, we have a couple other names we would like to use.

GIRL:
Molly Claire
Or
Ruby Claire

BOY:
Gunnar - but I don't think that sounds good with our last name
Andrew
William
Tye

-We don't have any middle names picked for a boy.

Oh, and I almost forgot...When we started the whole adoption process we were originally going to adopt from China. My, how plans change...We named that supposed to be baby girl - Madeline Claire. THEN... we had another supposed to baby girl adoption from Chicago, but at the last minute the young mother chose to parent and not to place...and we named that baby Carly Nicole. Nicole was the mom's name.

Weird and twisted stories... I know. That's how we roll! ;)

6 Years and Counting!

2010-05-07T14:10:00.000-07:00

Happy Anniversary to my best friend and love of my life. It sure hasn't been boring...that's for sure.

YOU'RE STILL THE ONE!

Absolute Disaster

2010-05-04T18:43:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to say except that I never thought I would ever see the horrible things I have seen in and around my city the last few days by the flooding in Nashville, TN.

By the grace of God, our neighborhood was salvaged. Many of our friends and fellow Nashvillans were NOT! I have typed and re-typed all the right things to say here. And I just keep deleting. There are no words for what has happened.

Our city, our homes, our businesses, our churches, our parks, our streets, our schools, our people...have been devastated. We don't live in a flood zone. No one here has flood insurance. This wasn't suppose to happen.

Here is my face book status..."Non-Nashvillians: please spread the word in case everyone doesn't grasp the severity of what's going on in Nashville. Temporary shelters are at capacity, missing people are unaccounted for, many homes are under water, there is a water conservation emergency, much of Nashville's economic base is threatened by flood damage. Text 'REDCROSS' to 90999 to donate $10 to disaster relief."

Well, I just wanted to share this...I have kinda always considered myself a mid-western girl. I don't know why. I have lived here since I was 3. I guess b/c my parents and all my family are from MN. I grew up calling it "pop" and eating hotdish, NOT corndogs. My brothers and sister (who are much older, haha) went to college in St. Louis and Chicago, which became my second homes because I was always tagging along with my parents (except when I would fake staying with friends and throw wicked parties at home. hehe). Ahhh Hmmmm. Anyhow, I say all this to say...

I am so PROUD to be a Nashvillian!

If you get a second, check this out...

http://www.section303.com/we-are-nashville-4366

13.1

2010-04-28T12:33:00.000-07:00

Yes, you read that right. I ~~ran~~, ~~jogged~~, ~~walked~~, crawled the 13.1 miles to complete the Country Music Half and Full Marathon this weekend. I really didn't train the way I should have. I would start and stop and start and stop over the last 5 months. I wasn't sure I would be able to finish. Luckily, my girlfriend and 13.1 partner hadn't exactly trained well either. We pushed each other, and it WORKED! We finished! 13.1 miles - HILLY miles. This is Tennessee, NOT Kansas. We worked out a strategy after the first several killer hills. We would jog the flat's and downhills and walk UP. That worked for a while until I thought I was going to die.

Everything was fine until mile 8 - That's when I started to cramp. That's when my feet started killing me. I suffered through the next couple miles. The crowds were GREAT, UNBELIEVABLE! I can't imagine completing the race without the encouragement from the sidelines. We saw the most hilarious signs. Signs that said, "Run like you just stole something!" and "You are awesome insert your name here!" Others had signs with beer cans attached that said, "There's beer at the finish line!" Of course that one kept me moving. ;) We were suppose to have bad weather moving in and I saw a few signs with variations of "Run...There's a tornado coming!" There were also tons of bands around every corner. Those that were planned and also the impromptu singers on music row and downtown. This is the MUSIC CITY after all.

The weather was perfect until mile 10. They were calling for awful, severe storms, but it held off and stayed cool and overcast for most of the race. I hit a wall at mile 10. The rain started, my body was numb and tingling. My feet still hurt like hell and I could feel the blisters forming with every step. My partner was AWESOME! I got crabby, she stayed happy. Thank God!

At mile 12 I heard my name "Katie, Katie..." I looked over and there stood my most favorite people in the world. Seth brought the kids out, in the rain, with signs and loud cheers. I felt my body again and the emotions started pouring.

The kids made the signs at home while I was running! :)

The kids and Seth waiting at mile 12 to see me.
Cheering on the Runners!
Here I am! Here I am! It was not pretty, but it was 12, it was raining and it wasn't suppose to be pretty! In fact. I don't think I could even form a smile on my face. Hahaaa.
I didn't stop for long. The finish line was sooo close and I just needed to see it- and it HURT to stop! I needed to cross it. As I ran off, I got tears in my eyes. Susan looked at me with her constant encouragement and said, "We're so close now!" I knew we were. I knew at the moment we WOULD make it. But all I could think about was my family.

We DID finally cross the finish line. Holding hands and smiling. I cannot begin to describe the feeling. The HIGH when you cross and still feel days later, even if your body aches.

And you better believe we got out of the rain and went to the nearest bar to celebrate WEARING our medals. Wish would would have gotten pics of that. On second thought... haha. We were looking pretty rough.

I did order all the pics from the marathon website so, I will post more later.

IT'S ADDICTING! We've already signed up to do it again in September! I think I will train a little harder this time. :)

13.1 - Here we come again!

Get your RUNNING shoes on girls!

Bunnies, Butterflys, Birthdays and Busy

2010-04-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

So very much to tell and share.

We had a wonderful Easter with friends and family. The kids did egg hunts in our neighborhood and also at the zoo. The Easter bunny came and the kids were so excited!
The kids hunting eggs at the Zoo...

We have raised little baby caterpillars into beautiful butterfly's...Time to let them go~~~~

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LYDIA!!! Lydia turned 4 this week. She and I spent the day together baking her cake, painting pottery, and visiting the cats at the humane center.
It was a GREAT day and we ended the day with dinner at Chilis with Grandma and Grandpa and then home for cake, ice cream and presents!

I LOVE this look on her face when she saw her Big Girl Bike in the morning!

I can't believe you are FOUR!

Such concentration while painting her horse!

We love you so much LydiBug! I can't believe you are 4 Years Old!!

Whew...I'm exhausted after that post O' pics.

Here are a few other things going on...
-STILL no phone call from the state about a 13 year old AA child we were interested in getting info about adopting. I can't tell you HOW ANGRY this makes me. The state and all of you will hear about it from me. They will get it in letter form, and probably phone calls to some higher ups and some emails. You will all see it in a future post. I am just sick about it.

-I have been on spring break, although I don't feel like I have had much of a break at all. We have had so much going on!

-Lydia's birthday party at the bowling ally is tomorrow. In lieu of gifts we have asked that parents give a small donation to a special charity, Soaring Kidz. I found their link on Kelly's blog a few weeks ago when she held the special charity blog. I gave Lydia a few choices of charities and this is the one she chose. I am so excited about this. I think this is such a wonderful organization.

-Zachary is getting his 2 year molars and well...misery loves company. He likes to yell about it A LOT! :)

- Oh, and Seth went up to the lake this weekend and got the boat! Wooo Hooo... It's getting de-winterized this week and then it's BOATING SEASON! That makes this mama VERY HAPPY!

2010-04-02T15:23:00.001-07:00

Let me start off by saying that I got the call - only to be told to expect a call. *Ahemmm. Whatever.

Anyhow, we have had the most beautiful weather lately. It's actually HOT in my house and I had to turn the air on last night for a while. We are all home together today. We ran errands all morning and now the kids are napping. Ahhhh, silence. Seth has gone back to Lowes to get a few trees that we are going to plant in the backyard. I am so excited. We desperately need some shade. We had a really nice tree back there a few years ago that dies when we had a bad drought. I was so sad. Last year we planted a crate Myrtle and now we are afraid it has died too. Lord, I hope not!

When the kids get up we are going to dye Easter eggs. When I told Lydia that this morning she asked "why we had to die?" haha. The innocence. I love it. I also told her that this was the day that Jesus died for our sins so that we could go to heaven. She just looked at me and said, "Awww, poor Jesus. Why did he have to die mom?" She cracks me up.

We have some fun things planned for the weekend. Tomorrow my Aunt Pat is coming to town. I cannot wait! I think we are going to take the kids to the zoo in the morning for an Easter egg hunt, although I hear it is mayhem. I suppose I will suffer through it for them. Sunday morning we will do a brunch with family and a friend or two. We are going to go to noon mass. Oh, and of course the Easter Bunny will have paid a visit by then. :) Sunday afternoon "The Gays" are coming over. I am sure we will play cards and just catch up. We LOVE our time with them. "The Gays" is a group of 5 guys that we have known forever. One of them is Zachary's Godfather. They are dear friends. The kind that would walk to end of a cliff, swear to jump with you, count to three and then wave goodbye from the top as you were falling. Haaaaaaaaaaaa. Only kidding. Seriously, they are some of our very best friends in the world and Lydia and Zachy think they are the BEST! We generally spend every Easter and Thanksgiving together. It's a special time. Maybe someday I will tell you all about my gays. That would be a fun post!

I will leave you with a very hard, outside - playing baby boy...

Toodles...

MAD and CONFUSED!

2010-03-30T06:27:00.000-07:00

at DCS of course.

It hasn't even begun, yet it's ALREADY begun. I will give them to the end of today to return my call and then I am going to go bloody crazy on SOMEONE!

Check out this website...Go ahead, I'll wait.

www.parentachild.org

Now, wouldn't you think that they would have people JUMPING on telephones when it rings with people interested in learning more about adopting a child? Wouldn't you think if by chance they (and they NEVER SHOULD) missed a call from an inquiring family they would call back? Wouldn't you think they would email back after an email from an interested family?

Yeah...well I digress, NOT SO MUCH. Makes me sick. What a tragedy for these poor kids. Why in the world would I expect anything different. Jeez.

OOOhhhh, and what in the world is up with the "family profiles"?? Seriously? Waiting families?? Families who WANT to adopt waiting for a teenager lost in the foster care system to be placed in their home forever? I am soooo CONFUSED!

And they wonder why they lose quality foster homes like me and my friends.

The Weekend, Loads of Pics, and a Letter

2010-03-28T15:14:00.000-07:00

We had BEAUTIFUL weather yesterday. The kids participated in our neighborhood Easter Egg Hunt. They had a great time and LOVED the candy they found inside all of their eggs.
HERE WE GO...

They had a blast, but I have to be honest...I kind of sucked the fun out of it. I completely FORGOT about it until 10 minutes before (even though I registered them a few days before and dropped off the 36 plastic eggs I stuffed). We were all still in jammies. Seth let me sleep in so I was just waking up - then I remembered. I was throwing the kids clothes down the stairwell ordering everyone around like soldiers. "We're going to be LAAAAATE!" I got several dirty looks from baby daddy, but hell, we wouldn't be doing this at all if it wasn't FOR ME! Haaaa.
Then, we played outside... ALL DAY LONG! This car came from my sister and her kids. It's at least 10 years old. You would think it was made out of chocolate the way MY kids were fighting over it like it was last bite they would ever taste.
It was a VERY windy day.
It's the small (and FREE) things in life according to the BUG.

Can't get enough of this girl and her enthusiasm. My sister and I joke that she will someday turn cart wheels, giggle and shout..."Yaaaa, I get to go to work today!" I swear, this is the kind of spirit this little soul has. I LOVE IT!

Lastly, I did it. I wrote a letter to Christina, Lydia's birthmom. I included a few of Lydia's ballet pictures and a asked Lydia if she anted to draw her a picture. Oh course she was sooooo excited. I sat with her and told her how to spell Christina. I hope this only means good things to come. We haven't seen or spoken to her in almost two years.

Boiler Up

2010-03-26T17:06:00.000-07:00

Around here, sports are in our blood. Football and Basketball are etched into our souls. -Whats a good blog without a little exaggeration? haaa. Anyhow, we do go into a sports lovin' depression every year when March Madness ends. I also LOVE Cardinals baseball too. And Seth is DYING for The World Cup to start this summer.

WE LOVE SPORTS!

Well, we are headed out tonight to watch PURDUE in the Sweet Sixteen. It's not a hobby around here. We live and die by our teams. When Vandy got beat the first round, I cried. Literally, I shed tears in a sports bar. SIGH...Before you judge me...we were picked to make some serious NOISE in the tourney. I digress...

Anyhow...Purdue plays at 9 something tonight. We going out b/c we don't think we can see the entire game at home. We have a babysitter coming over. I so HOPE this isn't the end of our basketball season tonight.

But... On the BRIGHT SIDE...

We will save a lot of money on babysitters.

At least until fall...

BOILER UP!

Fostering Again?

2010-03-25T13:07:00.000-07:00

I have been reading several blogs lately written by foster parents. It gives me the ummmph to want to do it again even though I swore that would never happen. We have an empty bedroom and plenty of love for children and their struggling families. So my hesitance comes down to the system.

The system I am speaking of is the state, the department, the case workers, the red tape, the horrible communication, the lack of respect, the court system, the worthless and burned out attorneys, the suppose to be child advocates, the bullshit goes on and on. And I am just not sure that I am willing to dive back into that or not. The one and only reason we were able to adopt Lydia was by the grace of the God, and I mean that literally! If the case workers and majority of "the system" would have had it their way, that would have never happened. Not because reunification wasn't an option, but b/c they hated us so. They hated us b/c we advocated for Lydia. We also advocated for Christina when we felt no else was. We learned very quickly this was a no no, but that didn't stop us. THIS was the reason we became foster parents.

You see, if you become a foster parent you will attend the state training that is required in order to do so. In this training you will be told over and over again that your role is to advocate for your foster child. You will be told that reunification is always the goal and to support and facilitate that goal. You will be drilled about the importance of developing relations within the family when appropriate. You will be told, and might even be lucky enough, to watch a video or two, on how horrible the children who enter your home will be. You will be warned of all of the "likely" terrible behaviors and mood disorders you will have to deal with from the children and their families.

That sounds like a challenge right? After hearing all of that, any SANE person would RUN away, and run away FAR! Except, that didn't scare us at all. In fact, we knew all that stuff. I am a Social Worker. I have even worked in foster care. They weren't telling us anything we didn't know. We were ready as ever. BRING IT...

Haaaaaa. What they didn't tell us at all, and what I NEVER experienced in my private agency FC profession, was that you BETTER NOT advocate for your foster child if you're caseworker (who rarely shows up) doesn't agree with you. Encouraging the runaway teenage mom when she is doing well is also not looked on kindly. The bottom line is...What they should have told us in training..."Keep your damn mouths shut and take care of these kids silently, OR ELSE." And i am here to tell you, the "or else" isn't nice.

Because, God forbid you build a relationship with the bio-mom or anyone else. I will never forget one of the many drop offs for a visit with Christina. It was shortly after she had been picked up the first time. She jumped out of the car, excited to see Lydia. I gave her a hug and asked her how she was doing in school. We talked about her grades and school a lot while she was living with us. She looked so proud and told me she was making all A's and B's. I was so proud of her. I gave her another hug and told her how PROUD I was. She is such a smart girl, and it always killed me to watch her waste her educational opportunities away. GET THIS- Later I was told by our caseworker that I was inappropriate b/c Christina wasn't used to be encouraged and praised and I should never do that again. - YES... I am SERIOUS... That is what she said to me.

The list of examples goes on for miles. I wish this was one of the worst, but it's not. My point (to myself) is...Am I really ready to deal with all of this again? B/C the truth is, I am NOT going to be quiet. And I WILL advocate for the children placed in my home! And never, ever would I ever NOT encourage someone who is doing well, whether they were used to it or not! I haven't changed, and neither has the system.

I know, I know... we had a REALLY bad experience. We actually had a few other foster placements go well, but they were private agency and respite placements. I would be willing to accept that it may be better if we were dealing with our county, rather than metro (in Lydia's case). But, I work in our county school system, and I am a Social Worker, so unfortunately, I know that the potential is more than likely not there.

So. What's a foster family to do? It's in our hearts. We know we have been called to do this again. But there are so many buts...We worry how it will/could effect Lydi and Zac. They are our NUMBER ONE. Seth worries about his travels. He worries he isn't even here enough for OUR kids. I know he worries leaving me here with foster kids and our own. He's thoughtful like that. He is the perfect Daddy and Husband. That is not my worry at all. I do have lots though...So WHY am I feeling SOOOOO compelled right now?

I suppose we will sort through this. I hope and pray and know we will. In HIS time, I suppose. ((SIGH)) I don't always like you're time!!!

Recent Happenings...

2010-03-22T18:39:00.000-07:00

March 17 - Happy St. Patricks Day and Happy, Happy, Happy 2nd "It's OFFICIAL DAY!" We waited for that day in 2008, for that hour...4pm. We prayed for you, and The Good Lord listened. He answered our prayers.

March 18 (2010) - Took Zachary to the Pediatric Pulmonologist at Vanderbilt's Children's Hospital. He had a sweat test and many other tests. We were scared. But HE answered yet another prayer. You are healthy Zacho. You do not have CF, and we may have gotten to the bottom of your chest issues. That is yet to be determined, but we are hopeful! - Vandy LOST in the NCAA tourney. That mad for a crummy mood mommy, but NOTHING could top the good news we got earlier!

March 19 - HAPPY ADOPTION DAY ZACHY!!! We can't believe it has been 2 years. And we can't believe how ORNERY you have been since the day you turned 2! We try to just laugh, but the constant crying and throwing yourself around is getting a little old. Don't worry sweet coconut creme. We have your number and are taking lots of video to show at your wedding rehearsal! Love you! - PURDUE WON! Daddy was soooo excited and so was Mom. Grandma and Grandpa babysat while we went out with friends that night. We paid dearly for it the next day. But Yaaaaa Purdue!

March 20 - Lazy day at home...Long Naps, lots of play, and watched a lot of Basketball. We also hung out outside with neighbors for a few hours in the sun and windy weather. At least we saw some SUN!

March 21 - Got up, went to Mass. Lydia, you were so good at Mass this week. Way to go Sister! Then we went to get bagels for breakfast. Yuuuum. Came home...laundry, laundry, laundry...Mom and Dad searched for a vacay spot this summer. We still haven't booked anything! Ugh.(Does anyone know of a NICE All-Inclusive place in the Caribbean?) OK, so...More basketball (or beekoball as Zac calls it) b/c Purdue is still alive! We wanted to watch the game at home, for obvious reasons, but we couldn't get it b/c the games are shown regional. So, the next best thing was s local sports bar with the Purdue Alumni Club. We were having a great time. Seth and I have an unspoken agreement. If Purdue is playing, I chase the kids. If Vandy is, he is in charge. So, I spent the evening mostly walking around with the kids. The place is kid friendly with video games and stuff. Towards the end of the game Lydia was sitting at one. Zachary walked towards her and started to climb up to get in on the action. Lydia was having no part of that and swung her arm to shove him off. Zachary is only 6 lbs. lighter than Lydi, but he went flying and jacked his head against the corner of a table. The next thing I know, there is blood and Lydia is hiding underneath the game. Yep...This is life with toddlers. Zachary- this was now your THIRD visit to the same ER and you are barely 2. Seriously? They were able to glue you up. Stitches weren't required. Whew... BUT GUESS WHAT.. BOILER UP! PURDUE WON! We're on to the Sweet 16!

Seth- Can we get that vacation decided upon and leave TOMORROW? I am EXHAUSTED!

Sucess

2010-03-14T14:41:00.000-07:00

Oh Good Lord... Could that have been any more difficult? I am sure you computer savy peeps are totally laughing at me. Oh well. I finally got it to work.

My kids ROCK My Socks!

FOR REAL? HELP PLEASE!

2010-03-14T14:29:00.000-07:00

Now I lost all of my post titles. How did that happen? How do I get them back?

Finally!

2010-03-14T12:55:00.001-07:00

I figured it out. Now I just need to figure out how to make my middle a very light yellow. I think that would look nice.

I am So Frustrated!

2010-03-14T12:38:00.000-07:00

I am trying to change my background and for the life of me... it is not working. Ugh.

I NEED A VACATION!

2010-03-11T15:29:00.000-08:00

and that's all I have to say.

Schedules...Who needs em'?

2010-03-05T11:34:00.000-08:00

Ummm, ME!

Over on Kelly's blog we are talking about our daily schedules, or as I like to call them...ROUTINES! I am all about routines. In fact, you might assume I am on the spectrum the way I do NOT like to deviate. Although, it's almost comical for me to say that since it seems our routine is constantly changing. haha.

So, here's mine as of late...

6:00 AM - Zachary makes his morning appearance into our room. Does he go to Daddy's side? NOPE. He passes right by and walks all the way around the room to ME! Ugh, Good morning Zachy.

6:20 - Start wrestling a snoring Seth to get into the shower.

6:30 - Lydia comes into our room. Proclaiming that she has a dry pull-up! Yaaaa. Only, not so much sweetheart...maybe tomorrow night.

6:45 - Chase Zac around the upstairs trying to dress him; Fight with Lydia over the sleeveless summer dress and sandals she wants to wear on a 20 degree day.

7:00 - Try to brush kids teeth and do Lydia's hair. TRY is the key word there.

7:15 - 7:30 - Give Zachy his 200th does of some sort of antibiotic. Put kids shoes on, give them sippy cups (which often causes issues) of milk and ziplock bag of some sugary cereal that I know I shouldn't...BUT...but I trying to just get them to shut up about having sippy cups and get out the door. Put coats on - which often results in at least one kid yelling how much they hate their winter coats. And honestly, so do I and I am not confined to a 5 point harness car seat.

7:30ish - Seth comes downstairs. We briefly say good morning. We talk about the days Doc. appts. /Swim lessons/Dance/Late Meetings etc...

7:31ish - Sprint upstairs - Check work email, Jump in the shower.

8:00 - Respond to work email, check personal email, IM husband and tell him a million things that I forgot to in the rush of the morning.

8:15 - Plan my day at work according to which student is being naughtiest, or which teacher is screaming for help.

8:30 - Leave for work and work all day

4:00ish - Leave work, About 3x's a week, go to grocery store.

4:30 - Home, check personal email, read my blogs that I love, drink a big fat beer or glass of wine.

5:00 - Start dinner

5:20 - Family home

5:30 - Eat Dinner, Talk about our days, Beg Zachy to Eat. Beg Lydia to stop playing with her food.

6:00 - One of us bathes kids, brush teeth, and jammies on, one of us cleans the kitchen, feed Shaggy

6:45 - Family time - Either have nice quiet time with Seth as the kids play in the playroom OR, play a family game OR, play with them in their playroom or family room, play with Shags.

7:30 - BEDTIME FOR KIDS!! Read books,tuck in, say prayers, KISS and HUG - over and over and over.

7:45 - Tell Lydia to get back in bed and go to sleep.

8:00 - Sit on the couch to watch mindless TV, have another glass of wine or big fat beer. Think about blogging or calling a friend but I tell myself I am too tired.

8:30 - Go back and forth with Seth about what to watch on TV

9:00 - Give in, kiss him goodnight and go upstairs to the bedroom TV. Stop in each of my kids rooms and kiss them while they are sleeping and tell them how much they are LOVED!

9:15 - Brush teeth, etc... Put on Jammers

9:20 - Get in bed. Read my US Weekly, or my Fav Blogs, Get on my laptop and chat with friends on FB. Watch TV

10:00ish - Turn off TV. Turn off Lamp. Shut Down PC.

10:01ish - Say prayers. Close eyes, Go to sleep.

11 - 1 AM - Get woken up when Seth comes to bed. Listen to him brush his teeth and go through his night time "routine" - get annoyed b/c I KNOW I will have a hard time falling back to sleep.

1:30ish- Back to sleep if I am lucky.

So...That's it. Pretty boring. Depending on the time of the year, there is usually a Vanderbilt basketball game, a day on the boat... you know... all those things thrown in. Lately it's, just been A LOT of doc visits (See here where we had a brush of death with Zachy), work and school. I can't wait for SPRING WEATHER!! BRING IT!

Happy Birthday Zachary!

2010-03-03T13:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Zachy,

I cannot believe that that you are TWO YEARS OLD! Where have the last two years gone? They have gone by so quickly. You are not my baby boy anymore, instead you are mommy's little toddler and before I know it, you will be my little boy growing into my big boy. I can't bear the thought.

I still remember so clearly my first phone call to learn about you. It was a Thursday afternoon. I was in the daycare parking lot about to walk in and pick up your sister. Chills went up and down my body when the call came in. Later that night I spoke with Jenny on the phone for a long time. We clicked. She loved you so much and knew that she was making the right decision for YOU, even if it was breaking her heart.

The day you were born and the next 12 days were the hardest and most confusing days of our lives. Then finally, on that 13th day of your sweet little life we met. Macy handed you to me and the feelings were overwhelming. My heart was full. You were the baby I had been dreaming of. The baby I prayed for and loved, even before I knew you.

Now here we are two whole years later, when it seems all I did was blink and this time has passed.

Today you are a boisterous two year old and you are ALL things BOY! Your favorite thing to do is play basketball. You LOVE it! You also like to watch it and go to games, just as you did football in the fall. You would live outdoors if we would allow you. I can't wait until the Spring weather arrives and we can play together under the sun.

You used to be a great eater, but these days you have decided to change that. I think you are just trying to give me a hard time b/c it worries me so when you don't eat. You talk up a storm and like to sing songs. You can count to twelve and sing your alaphabet. You also recognize lots of numbers and letters! I didn't even know you could do that until you started belting them all out in the bathtub the other night. You are very smart! You can throw one of THE BEST tantrums I have ever seen. And your favorite word is MINE! You are going to make a perfect two year old! ;)

You have a monsterous sweet tooth! Chocolate is by far your favorite food. You have good taste! Your favorite meal is breakfast b/c it's often pancakes or muffins - both of which you LOVE! You are a great sleeper, but you do rise by 6am every morning. You run into our room ready for the day. We are looking forward to the day you sleep a little later. You love your big sister and try to copy everything she does. It's very sweet. You also love your Grandma and Grandpa very much!

You are such my little snuggle bug which I melts my heart! You love, love, love stuffed animals. Your favorites are the blue bunny that Jenny gave you, the "Shaggy' dog that Grandma gave you and the bear family that my Grandma made for me when I was a little girl. I love seeing you carry them around. A few more things you like are trains, hotwheels, legos, balls, and light up toys that sing and blink.

You make us laugh all the time. You keep us on our toes. We have to keep a close eye on you at all times because you climb on everything you can manage to throw your little legs over. It is such a joy to watch you grow and learn and explore your world the way only Zachy would. Every day with you is a new adventure and it's an awesome journey sweet boy.

You will never know how much happiness and FUN you have brought into our lives. The amount of love daddy and I have for you is not something that can be described in words. Your big blue eyes, long eyelashes and naughty smile is forever engraved in our hearts. None of this will ever change!

We are so proud of you Zachy. We are proud and honored to be your mommy and daddy.

HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL BOY!

I just couldn't resist capturing your first TWO YEAR OLD tantrum this morning! You did it in style! All b/c I wouldn't open the star sprinkles that are going on your cake! hehe.

All my love Zachary,

~Mommy

Hey Bug

2010-02-22T20:25:00.000-08:00

I just want you to know how much I love you.

I am sorry we argue about clothes and hair and sharing with your brother everyday. You are the perfect daughter and so nurturing with Zachary.

You are so smart! That's probably why we go at it all the time. But, Mommy and Daddy are so PROUD of you! You have a tender heart and a rambunctious spirit. You don't meet anyone who doesn't fall in LOVE with YOU! You have an infectious smile. There is hardly a day that goes by that we are not told that. We just nod. We have known that forever!

I PROMISE to be more patient with you, and to remember that you are 3 and not 13. Hold me accountable.

You are my dream come true, forever and ever.

I Love you Sweet Angel.
-Mommy
Remember this? I know you don't, but I do. It makes my heart dance.

Today

2010-02-19T19:30:00.000-08:00

We just spent the afternoon in a thawed out backyard! It was 50 something degrees today!

And here's the best part...Daddy is home! The kids were soooo excited to see him!

Ministry

2010-02-19T11:23:00.000-08:00

Honestly, I hadn't planned on doing this over on Kelly's Korner this week, but I was just reading some of the other blogs that have posted over there and became inspired. There are some pretty amazing stories over there.

Here is a very short version of mine.

On May 14, 2004 I married the love of my life. Seth and I were both 29 when we married and both ready to start a family. We tried for 2 years to have a baby. After year one we called upon the help of professionals and started fertility treatment. These years were the hardest, most confusing and loneliest times I have ever experienced. After 3 failed IUI's we were placed at a cross road. our spirits were low and well as our bank account - fertility treatment is EXPENSIVE! After a lot of prayer and soul searching, we decided to leave the fertility path, choosing not to go on to IVF, but to adopt. This is the road we felt God calling our hearts to walk. Once we decided to adopt, I felt such peace. The kind of peace that only comes from abandoning my own plan and following his.

In August of 2006 we signed up with an international adoption agency and were thrilled to be adopting from China. At the time, the wait to bring our daughter home, was 18 months. While waiting we made the easy decision to become foster parents. I am a Social Worker and knew I always wanted to foster. Seth was nervous, but also agreeable. We felt this was the best time to open our doors to children who needed us. We had no children of our own, therefore we could take children had potential anger problems, or had been sexually abused. We knew this wouldn't be an option once we had our own children, so this was the right time for us.

On September 8, 2006, we got the phone call we had been waiting for - Our FIRST foster referral. We accepted Lydia (a 5 month old baby), and her very young 14 year old mother, Christina. The placement was perfect. Lydia was the sweetest and best baby girl and her mother was too. We dedicated the next three weeks to caring for them and teaching Christina how to be a mom to her baby. Then one day Christina didn't get off the school bus after school. She had run away. Lydia was still with us.

The next two years were a complete roller coaster. Christina was "on the run" for most of the time, but would get caught and picked up and placed back in foster care every couple of months. There was not a suitable family member to take Lydia, so she remained with us. In the meantime, the wait to adopt from China was getting longer and longer. 18 months had come and gone and we were still facing several years to adopt our baby. We weren't getting any younger, and our patience for our own children and to start our family were growing thin. So, we decided in April, 2007 to adopt domestically.

We were chosen by a birth mother that very summer and we were thrilled. In August 2007, the baby was born. We traveled to Chicago and spent several days anxiously waiting to bring our baby girl, Carly home. But the morning she was scheduled to be discharged from the hospital, we got the phone call from a Social Worker that the birth mother had a change of heart and decided she wanted to parent. We were devastated.

11 months later we were chosen again. And once again we were placed on an emotional roller coaster. We got the call from the birth mother on a Thursday afternoon, and on Tuesday morning, OUR baby Zachary was born. His adoption story could be made into a movie. It was nothing short of a lot of drama, fraud, and scandal. It was not easy, and just like before, we were told by the hospital Social Worker that the birth mother had changed her mind. And we were sent home empty handed and devastated once again. Three days later the birth parents called us. She had changed her mind again and wanted us to adopt her baby. We were skeptical and jaded. There had been A LOT of bad things that had happened during the last week that included all of the above. But we made a plan to adopt. On March 16, 2008 we OFFICIALLY ADOPTED Zachary. It was the BEST day of our lives. Then exactly two months later, we got to do it all over again when we were FINALLY able to adopt Lydia on May 16, 2008! Now we could finally celebrate and we were a family.

I have always kept a private blog. I started the blog in 2006 as a way to document our adoption journey to China - which we have since withdrawn from. After the adoptions of Zachary and Lydia, I knew I needed to help others. Seth and I had a wealth of knowledge from our experiences through infertility, then International adoption, Foster Care, and finally Domestic Adoption. Throughout these journeys I would have given ANYTHING to talk to someone who had walked in my shoes. I would have given ANYTHING to ask questions, to have an ear, to have support from someone who understood what we were going through. This was a roller coaster we were on, and at last, I found it coming to a stop. I felt compelled to put our stories out there and help others. So, I started a new blog, a public blog...in hopes to help others.

I have made some wonderful connections through this blog in a short amount of time. I have given and received support. It has been a true blessing. So, that was our very abbreviated story of how we became a family. It was never my plan but it was his and it was perfect!!! I wouldn't trade my kids for 100 biological kids. They are my dream come true and my purpose in life. Every tear, sleepless night and hurt in my heart was worth the fight for them. Our story now continues as a family of four (for now, wink, wink) as we tread our way through this big giant world of life!

Still in Shock-And SCARED!

2010-02-16T13:14:00.000-08:00

Zachary's surgery didn't go as planned. In fact, it didn't go at all. I think I am still in shock over yesterday's events. As I try recalling everything that happened, it just seems like a big blur. I have been sitting here at my computer for 20 minutes now and can only seem to get out a few sentences at a time. My heart is still racing, my palms are sweaty, imagining the "what ifs" brings tears to my eyes and the future scares me to the point of nausea. Life threw a curve ball at us yesterday and we were reminded to always expect the unexpected.

Just as I thought, I woke up bright and early to a few inches of snow yesterday morning. I am growing tired of the snow, but as I looked at the window I made a comment to a still half sleeping Seth about how pretty it was. It was a blanket of white shining in the moon's reflection. As I was brushing my teeth and getting dressed, I was dreading the days events. I talked to God and asked him to send lots of angels to watch over my baby boy. I asked for strength and also patience in the next few days, as Seth was gone. I am ashamed to say that the distractions of the morning kept me from having much more contact with him or thanking him for a beautiful new morning and a happy, healthy family. Believe me when I say, those came later!

The plan was for Seth to drop Zachary and I off at the surgery center on his way to the airport, and my parents graciously arrived at 6am to stay with Lydia. We talked briefly about having my mom come with me, but the roads were so icy that we needed my parent's 4 wheel drive to bring us home (rather than my beloved minivan) and it only has one car seat in it. So, it was what it was. I didn't really care. I knew that the surgery would be quick and I would soon be calling them to come pick us up.

We got there at 6:30. There was only one other couple there. My stomach was starting to get butterfly's as I was signing paperwork. The realization that he was just about to go into surgery was settling in. No one likes to see a loved one go under the knife, let alone their 23 month old baby. I am no exception. If you know me, you know that I have a distorted fear of 2 things, birds, and all things medical. I still really, really hate birds, but I have come along way in the medical arena since becoming a mom. Nevertheless, the mild nerves were showing up.

Soon we were called back to meet with the pre-op nurse and the anesthesiologist team. His ENT quickly peeked his head in and said hello. "We will talk afterward" he said and smiled. The anesthesiologist was super nice. He of course went over all of the details of the horrible, but highly unlikely things that could happen when anyone is put to sleep. The reminders of these makes everyone a little uneasy, but you put those in the back of your mind and tell yourself that would never happen to your child. At least, that's what I did. He assured me he would take very good care of Zachary and soon the sweet pre-op nurse was was taking my baby boy out of my arms. I was dreading this part. I thought they would have to tear him away from me and he would be screaming. He can be very clingy at times. He was great though and went right to her with a smile. By the time I gathered everything from the room and was walking back at to the waiting room they were gone. I vividly remember my thoughts while I was walking back. "I didn't get to give him one last kiss or tell him goodbye." She took him so quickly and he went so willingly. I didn't want to make a big deal of the exit in fear he would start to cry, and that was the last thing I wanted. I was just so thankful I didn't have to hear the mommy screams as I was sending him in for surgery.

When I got back to the waiting room, it was much busier with many more waiting patients and family members. He went into surgery about 7:45. I knew it would only take about 20 minutes tops, and I was watching the clock. By 8:00 the butterfly's were increasing as I was wishing every nurse coming out of recovery was calling my name. By 8:15 I started to get a weird nagging feeling. I kept listening for him to cry. Last time we could hear it all the way out in the waiting room, and they warned me I would probably hear him cry this time too. Something just seemed off to me, but I dismissed it as a paranoid mom and just kept watching the clock and the recovery room doors. By now, the minutes were starting to feel like hours and it seemed like nurse was calling every other family member BUT ME. I think it was a little after 8:30 that a nurse FINALLY came out and said my name.

I jumped up and started collecting the coats, the diaper bag, my purse, etc... when she said, "Dr. Mullins just wants to talk to you. You can leave that stuff here. You will be coming back here." I thought that was weird, b/c last time we went straight back to recovery to see him after we talked but ok...I was taken in the same room we were last time where we we told by the very same Doc that everything went great. I sat down and not a minute later Dr. Mullins approaches the door removing his mask from his face and resting it around his neck. He had a strange look and seemed to be shaking somewhat. The first thing out of his mouth..."He's Ok, He's Ok." I knew instantly that something was WRONG!

This is the part that becomes a big blur, but here is what I think he went on to say...

"He started out great and I was cleaning out the left ear when his oxygen level bottomed and scared us (He went from 98% O2 to somewhere in the 50's. Basically, he had stopped or almost stopped breathing and oxygen was not getting in his body). Anesthesia got him back up and told me I could do the ears, but NOT the adenoids. His O2 was still pretty rocky, but I really wanted to get those tubes in. His ears just suck!" - We LOVE our surgeon btw, and have this kind of relationship with him. I agreed nervously, and said, "Where is he? Where is he? Is he ok?" I just remember asking where he was over and over, as if it wasn't registering.

By now my heart is racing. My jaw is on the floor and I can tell by the way he is looking back at me, that I have a look of absolute FEAR in my eyes. What the hell happened in there?

He continued.
"So, I quickly started working on getting the left tube in place and then his O2 dropped again, very suddenly. Anesthesia got him stabilized and none of us felt comfortable moving forward. We just needed to get him off the table. We couldn't do the surgery."

Me: Picking my jaw up off the ground..."What does this mean? What does this mean? Is he ok?"

Doc: "Yes. He is in recovery. He is ok. It means that something happened under anesthesia that caused him to quit breathing. We assume it was a lot of mucus and congestion in his chest. Several things could have caused it. There is no way to be certain. We sucked a lot of mucus out of the lungs and chest afterward. There is a possibility that some mucus could have clogged the tube. This is rare with these routine surgeries but occasionally you see the kids that just go , and he was one of them. It was scary, but we got him back. It wasn't safe to proceed. Anesthesia wanted him off the table immediately."

Me: "But he's ok right? He's ok? He's breathing and he's in recovery? So now what? What do we do now?"

Doc: "Well, that's a good question..."

Our conversation went on to medications, and alternatives. He insisted on a chest x-ray and also wanted to consult with Zachy's pediatrician. It seems like I was in that room with him for hours, but it was probably just 20 minutes or so. The next thing I knew, I was back in the waiting room. I was scared to death! I just wanted to SEE HIM! I knew things weren't right. They weren't ok. I was sooo scared and sooo alone.

My mom had called earlier to see how things were going. He had just been taken back to the OR, so I didn't have much to report. Everything now had changed...I was shaking. I didn't understand why they weren't letting me see him. Everyone else was being taken straight back to recovery. Why wasn't I? I was scared, but I had no real idea why or how serious everything really was. Or maybe I did...

I called my Mom. "Mom, can you come here? Do you think you can drive on these roads? I need you. I need you Mom."

Mom: "What's wrong honey? Is he out of surgery? How did it go?"

Me: "They couldn't do surgery. Mom, I just need you. I think he almost died mom." I know my voice was quivering.

Mom: "I'm am on my way."

As soon as I was hanging up they were coming to get me. I remember the look on the nurses' face. It was a look of comfort, as if to say, "I know you are scared." I don't remember walking back there. The next thing I remember is seeing him sitting with a what I assumed was a nurse. There were people everywhere - several nurses, the surgeon, the ansesthia team...Lord, I don't even know... I just know there were people.

As soon as I got there, a nurse handed him to me. I cannot even describe what I saw. He was BLUE. His eyes were closed, but he heard my voice and he was trying to open them to look at me. I grabbed him as quick as I could. I sat down, twisted in wires. He was connected to what seemed like 100 different machines. Machines were making funny noises, and were beeping like crazy. People were talking. Nurses and were writing. I don't know if I am wrong or right, on all of this, as I am still trying to take it all in, but it was complete chaos - controlled chaos - but chaos. It was obvious that this was NOT normal, at least not in an outpatient surgery center. Everyone was a little shaken up, and I was A LOT freaked out...but I was alone, and I knew in those moments, I HAD to be strong for my boy. As soon as I saw him several of the sweet nurses saw my face and said, "Oh he looks so much better!" WTF? Are you serious? If he looks so much better, WTF happened in there?!!!

Pretty soon the anesthesia guy looks up at me. He had kind, but worried eyes. "He gave us quite a scare in there." I don't even know anything else he said. We talked for a few minutes but by this time Zachy was waking up and wrestling me. His color was coming back slightly and his O2 levels were going up. His IV was taped around his right hand so it was completely immobile. This made him crazy, mad and agitated! It was horrible. I was so scared. A nurse looked at me and asked, "Are you here alone?" I was. I told her my mom was on her way and then I asked her if I should call my husband. She nodded. I told her he was at the airport and about to get on an airplane and she handed me my phone which was sitting on Zac's stretcher. She told me to call him.

Poor Seth, I scared him to death. By this point Zac is coming too, and freaking out. He was failing in my arms and I had what I felt like a million docs trying to talk to me. If it sounds bad... It was.

I tell Seth..."DO NOT GET ON THAT PLANE!...I don't know what is going on, but you need to be here. I'm sorry honey, I have to go...WAIT he is OK, he is in my arms. But I don't understand any of this, and we NEED YOU, I have to go." And I threw my phone back on the stretcher.

Then MY MOM walked around the corner...OMG...OMG... I have NEVER been so glad to see HER in all my life - at least that's how I felt in that moment. She immediately took Zachy from me and he settled in between all the wires. He calmed down some and started snoozing again. There is just something about grandmas. My kids LOVE theirs, thats for sure! By this time his color is getting better and better. The beeping of the machines start silencing and I am actually able to start asking some questions.

What the HELL happened?

The bottom line was, they just weren't sure. He stopped breathing. His body wasn't getting any oxygen, but they didn't know why. I wanted answers and so did they. Dr. Mullins and the anesesthia team were conferencing with our pediatrician by now. We have had some recent concerns about possible medication allergies and this had all the docs perplexed about how to move forward. He was still full of junk and highly infected. While they conferenced we were sent next door (literally across the hall) to get chest x-rays.

This was an adventure all in itself. His post-op nurse came with us. He only had a diaper on. He was still attached to an IV. He still looked awful. He was so confused and agitated. I was sweating and shaking. I could barely hold on to him as he was trying to fight the IV. My mom and I took turns holding him. When we walked in all eyes were on us. Every head turned and they watched. I am sure we were a sight to see. I was visibly in a state of shock and he was, well...he looked like he had just come back from the dead. The nurse kept checking all his stats. She wasn't leaving his side. As you can imagine, they got us back pretty quick. The x-ray actually wasn't as awful as it could have been. We got them done on the first try. How that happened, I still don't know, but we did. Thank you God. As we were walking back into the waiting room there were a few people sticking heads out of offices to catch a glimpse of us. Finally one man (who I found out later was a pediatric radiologist) looked at me and said, "Is this the patient?" and pointed to Zac. Apparently, they all got word about what happened on the OR table. We're all human. It's like a train wreck you just can't turn your eyes away I guess. As we walked back toward the waiting room, there sat a VERY WORRIED Daddy and Husband. We were happy to see him, but I think, No, I KNOW, he was happier to see us.

By the time we got back to the recovery room, Zachary's excellent team of docs had decided on an antibiotic and they wanted it administered by IV. They finally approved for him to have something to eat and drink, but only brought a little bit of apple juice to us. Zachary wasn't interested. He was fully awake now and pissed. He didn't know what was happening (or had happened), but he knew he didn't like it! And I didn't either.

The rest of the recovery room experience consisted of trying to pacify Zac and his tolerance to the IV. Meds were being pumped into him every few minutes. Everyone was a little calmer. A lot of the activity around his bed with people doing and talking had calmed down. We were waiting on the results of the x-ray and were scheduled to take him directly to the pediatrician. His color was rapidly improving. He was starting to look pink again and his body was starting to warm up.

He received his last dose of IV antibiotics and we were finally released. I asked Dr. Mullins on the way out of he thought his pediatrician was going to hospitalize him. He didn't think so. I didn't know what to think.

By the time we got to the pediatrician Zachy was looking so much better. He was eating Cheese-Itz. The report from the x-ray stated that he had pneumonia. He definitely has a terrible cough and congestion. But all doctors, including myself are skeptical of the pneumonia. They think what happened was a mucas plug. I think that means mucas from the chest got into the tube when they intababted him. They didn't hospitalize him. I have taken him back to the doc for the last two days and he has been pumped full of antibiotic shots. It sucks.

Seth caught a plane out Monday night after he saw Zachy running around. My best friend Amy's husband is a CRNA. He assured me it was ok for him to leave. By 2pm you would have never known anything ever went wrong with him. He was shooting his basketball like he does every night day and playing and acting just fine. Babies CRASH fast and BOUNCE RIGHT BACK just as fast!

He is ok. He is alive.

There is more... there is surgery in the future.

In fact, Lydia is now scheduled to have tubes put in on Monday morning at the very same place. I think I am going to have PTSD walking in there.

I am EXHAUSTED!!!

I Don't Want to Go to Bed Tonight!

2010-02-14T13:04:00.000-08:00

It's only 3 O'clock here but I am already dreading going to bed tonight.

BECAUSE....

- Before I even wake up, Seth will be on a plane to CA. He travels a lot for work and he will be gone all week.

- I am waking up very early to take Zachary to the surgery center. His surgery has been moved up b/c we just just can't seem to clear up his ear infections. I know it is a simple surgery and it will all be fine, but a mommy never wants her babies to be sick and certainly not to be put under the knife. I am dreading it, but very much looking forward to Zachy feeling A LOT better!

- It's supposed to snow AGAIN! Ugh...

- I am so behind at work and can't get cannot get ahead with all of this snow and illnesses in and around my house. It's way stressing me out!

The bottom line is, It's going to be one crazy week! It hasn't even started and I wish it were over. Oh well. The good news is, I will have lots of help when I need it! My parents are so awesome!

Anyway,

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

Here are the kid's Valentines from Mommy and Daddy. They were so excited!

Zachary's Pile Lydia's Pile
Still half asleep...Not sure what's going on. haha.
So happy, she's dancin'...
Awwwww, it's the little things that make me LOVE being a mommy.

The Water Park~Baby Ears~And Sugery

2010-02-10T14:08:00.000-08:00

We went to the water park in the Smokies last weekend - Just the four of us and had a BLAST! We had such a blast together! Getting away and just having FUN is exactly what this family needed!

And then, there is REALITY...

Why Oh Why do babies, MY babies have such issues with their sweet little ears?
I know, I know...the tubes are small and so on and so on... I know all the medical reasons. But, My Poor Babies!

Lydia is almost 4! But since before Christmas, she has a nagging ear infection -in BOTH ears- that will not go away! She has been on FOUR rounds of different antibiotics and STILL...her ears hurt her. Poor Girl! She is such a trooper though - always smiling, always laughing...I LOVE that little Love Bug. Next week she will be seeing Zachary's ENT. REALLY? At 4? BIG SIGH....

Zachary - Oh poor baby Zac. His tubes fell out a month ago. I swear, the next day the child had green puss and yucky junk coming out of both ears. Well, he also has been on antibiotics for a month straight. He finishes them and the next day we have the gunk again. I don't get it. He should be growing OUT of this by now.

I just feel helpless and worry my kiddos are in pain. I KNOW Zachy is. :(

So. In just a few short weeks Zachary will have tubes put back in his ears. I am so glad b/c we had such great success last time. BUT, he is also having his adenoids removed. It's not a big deal, and certainly NOT a big surgery, but, he will have a sore throat for a couple days and feel puny and I just hate it!

And then I think of all those in Haiti as my bloggy friend reminded me of today and also all the caringbridge blogs I follow that just break my heart.

And then... All of the Sudden...

It's all put in perspective. Life is GOOD!

Under Construction

2010-02-09T12:01:00.000-08:00

As you can see, I am trying to change my pictures. Well, my lack of blogging skills has kept me at this damn computer all afternoon and the kids pics are still jacked. Ugh...I will get back to it when I can.

For now I am going to get Zachy and take him to his ENT apt. His tubes fell out about a month ago and since then he has had chronic ear infections. I am certain he will be getting new ones put in soon.

Tonight we are going to the Vanderbilt/ TN basketball game.

GO DORES!!!

Contact W/ Birthparents...YIPPEEEE!

2010-02-02T14:19:00.000-08:00

Right before Christmas, a friend of ours text Seth and asked him if he wanted to go to the Titans game with him. It was last minute and Seth thought about it but opted not to. He was working on a couple projects around the house, and Lydia and I had been gone to visit friends in Florida for a few days and had just returned home. He text him back and told him he couldn't. I was being silly with Seth and said that he was making it sound like "I wouldn't let him go." So...I sent a text to our friend Kurt too. Only instead of sending it to Kurt, I accidentally hit the name above his on my touch screen. I sent it to Zachary's birth father. I didn't even realize that I had done this until a few minutes later when he sent me a text back. I have always kept their numbers in my phone but never thought anything about it.

He asked me who I was and kindly to remind him of how we knew each other. My heart fell to my feet when I saw this and I responded immediately. "K, this is Katie. I am so sorry, I accidentally sent that to you. It was suppose to go to a friend of ours. How are you? I didn't know you had text." - Almost two tears ago, neither his bio mom or dad had text, so this surprised me.

I got excited. I WANT an open adoption for my children, as long as it is healthy. Well, he didn't text me back so I took this as a sign - That this was the wrong number. Even though I was sending regular letters and pictures to them, they have never responded. I figured that their numbers had changed since 2 years ago. I even assumed that perhaps they had moved and were not getting the letters or pictures we were sending. I don't really think about it again until the next night.

He text me back. He told me he knew who I was and that he was sorry. J (Zachy's birth mom), was there at the time and "it still hurts her." I told him I completely understood and I was so sorry for the accidental text. He then asked me about Zachary and asked if I any photos I could send via media. YES!!! TONS AND TONS - how many do you want? Haha. We text back and forth for an hour that night. J was there and was reading my texts too. He said she was excited about them. It was awesome. It was healthy for both of us and a step in what we hope to be a wonderful new journey.

Since then, we continue to be in contact. It's limited and careful, but it's good! He has sent me several pictures of Zachary's biological sisters, who look EXACTLY like him. And, when Zachary appeared one morning with a nasty skin rash last week I was able to text K and ask him if there were any family allergies. He text me back within minutes and we were able to pinpoint the rash immediately.

I can't tell you how HAPPY this makes me. I want my children to have that missing piece. I don't ever want them to hurt, or wonder, or question their biological parents love for them. With that said, I am not stupid. I know there will be some tough times in their lives as they maneuver their way through their birth and adoptive stories. BUT, the less questions and wonder we can avoid for them the better - at least in my eyes. Equally as important is genetic medical history. We got very little with his adoption papers so the opportunity to be able to ask them when something comes up is priceless.

These texts will not discontinue my letters and pictures. I sent them a long letter yesterday with about 30+ pictures enclosed. They recently moved and I would have never known without our recent contact. I simply text K on Sunday and told him I was sending the letter and asked if they still had the same address. he text me with the new one they had just moved too, and also confirmed that they have gotten every letter and all pictures I have ever sent. This makes my heart HAPPY. Did I mention that?

Now, the question is...To send Lydia's birth mom a letter or wait? I am so torn. It's a completely different situation.

Winter

2010-01-31T16:02:00.000-08:00

Lots of Illness

Lots of Snow

Very Cold

EQUALS = WE ARE READY FOR SPRING... PLEASE??

Well, the HAPPY new is that we are headed to the Smokies this weekend to the indoor water park. Woot Woot... Can't wait!

I couldn't make this stuff up...

2010-01-26T16:19:00.001-08:00

The week before Christmas - 7 WEEKS AGO - our kids got sickly. They weren't so sick they were miserable, but they were sick. Seth soon followed with his bout of what was some form of the flu. The kids weren't miserable but daddy WAS!

Christmas came and went. By Christmas day everyone was feeling better. I was never so happy to go back to work and send everyone to daycare and Seth off to work than I was after the Holidays. I love my family, but 2 weeks cooped up at home with sick toddlers and a husband (so make that 3 toddlers) about puts even the best of us mommies OVER the EDGE!

I go back to work for 2 days, and what do you know...2 snow days follow. That Saturday afternoon I started to feel a little strange. We had a babysitter and went out for my birthday dinner with my sister, BIL, and my parents. It was great. It was LOTS of fun. I think I drank enough wine to dismiss my crappy sick feeling and all was good...UNTIL the next day.

I was getting it, and I was getting it BAD!! A high fever and a terrible cough were my symptoms. My entire body ached. My clothes hurt me. The sheets on the bed hurt me. It was AWFUL. And I know everyone says this but, I NEVER GET SICK!

I finally drug my sick ass to the doctor. Yep, I had some sort of flu and I should be getting better in a day or two. This was already day 6!!!

3 days later the fever went away. The achiness left too, but something wasn't right. I was short of breath and just so TIRED! All I wanted to do was sleep, and my energy level was in the negatives. It SUCKED. So, I went back to the Doc. Yaaaa, my flu has turned into pneumonia. ?? WTF? How is that even fair. I was vaccinated for BOTH flus in the fll and now I have freaking pneumonia? NOT HAPPY - but sent home with a shot in my rear and an antibiotic. I should be better soon. They assured me. UGHHH...6 days later and 2 rounds of antibiotics, I still felt like shit. So, just this past Saturday back to the Doc I went.

I saw a nurse practitioner I had never seen before. She was very nice, but the look on her fae said it all. I was in BAD SHAPE, damn it. She was sure my weeks worth of antibiotics didn't work and spoke gently about hospitalizing me. WHAT?? DO YOU KNOW ME?? I HATE hospitals. I HATE them! I am TERRIFIED of them. I am soooo beyond SCARED out of my mind.

We all have irrational fears. I know this. And I know what mine are...hospitals, medical stuff (like blood and guts and poop), and birds. Yes, I am also deathly afraid of BIRDS. I do not like them! And even in the back of my mind knowing these are completely irrational, when the time comes...my logic goes out the window and my instinctive fear sets in.

So...I talk her OUT of the hospital but with conditions. She was sending me across the street for chest X-Rays to make sure my pneumonia wasn't worst and they would HOLD ME THERE until the XRays were read and I was cleared to go home. I was shaking and holding back tears. I felt awful, but apparently not bad enough to agree to go to the hospital. My Xrays came back. I wasn't better, BUT... I wasn't worse. SIGH...I got to home. I was strictly informed that they were bringing out the BIG GUNS of outpatient antibiotics and if this didn't work, and I wasn't better by Monday, I would have to go into the hospital. With that, came the threat..."YOU BETTER REST AND SLEEP!" I am not good at either of those, but seriously...to keep me out of the hospital - OK.

So, I go to the Doc yesterday and Yaaaa - The BIG GUNS antibiotics are working! I am off the hook, and I am also feeling SOOOOO much BETTER! She even tells me I can GO TO WORK the next day! I skip out of there and head to the grocery store. I decide that I am BACK and mommy is taking back over the messy house I was not able to tend to for 2 weeks. I was making dinner and in comes the family. "He is HURT." Seth belts out as they walk in the door.

Baby Bam apparently fell down as he was leaving daycare. His right knee was the size of a baseball and he wouldn't bear any weight on it at all. There is nothing worse than seeing your baby in pain. We fed him dinner and off the ER daddy and Zac went. I was a nervous wreck. I wanted to take him, but with my pneumonia and compromised immune system, we decided that Seth should. I sat with butterfly's in my stomach. I was sooo HOPING, and more so expecting, to be back to the normal...It had been SEVEN, (7), weeks since we were back in routine, healthy and living life as normal. Turns out he had a bad contusion, and it still hurts him. He was limping this morning a little, but overall, he was his normal self.

So, today would be the day...I went back to work (after 2 LONG weeks of resting and looking at four walls) and all was well in the Taylor household. It was all good until...10:55am. I got a call from the director at daycare. She said Zachary was covered from head to toe in red whelps and we needed to come and get him. Oh... My... HEAVENS! Are you freaking KIDDING ME!!! Ok, for real, I couldn't make this stuff up!

I call their pediatrician who rocks my world! I LOVE him! Then I call Seth and, God love this man, he rushes out his office doors and takes both kids to the Doc. He is the best Daddy and Husband, He gets it...sometimes... and sometimes he just doesn't. Today he did. Hahaha. Thank the Lord.

Alright, so to wrap this up...Zachy is allergic to the antibiotic he has been on for his ear infections. I text Kevan, his birth father - which is an entirely different post - YES, we have connected with them - which I couldn't be more thankful for - And he is also allergic to penicillin. It turns out that his sisters are also allergic to shellfish. VALUABLE, AMAZING INFORMATION!!

Anyway, Zachy is better. I am better, kids ears are better, Lydia is still on breathing treatments for her cough and stuff and Seth know sounds like a barking seal.

Incredibly ANNOYING this 7 weeks have been for us - BUT we are brought back to PERSPECTIVE! We are healthy. We have access to medicine and first class medical treatment. We are not homeless, denied of adequate health care. We are not lying in a street just hoping someone will come along and help. We are not desperately searching for our loved ones whose bodies could very well have been scooped up by a bulldozer with hundreds of others.

It's so hard to take it all in. As I looked at my kitchen counter last week and saw the line of RX's to be distributed among my family, I couldn't help but feel guilty. Chances are, even without meds we would all have recovered fine. We would have been uncomfortable for sure, but we would have recovered. I wanted so badly to ship all those meds to Hatia. Ho Hum. I am getting some things together for a Hatian orphange. Wish I could do more.

I at least got to enjoy a dinner out before it all set in! Happy Birthday To Me! I actually LOVE birthdays. I don't care how old I get! I just think birthdays are FUN!

I AM 35!!! YIKES!

The Lake in the Winter

2010-01-20T15:46:00.001-08:00

Despite all of our illness, we headed up to my parents lake house in Ky last weekend. I spent most of the weekend lying on the couch praying to feel better, but we did have a good time. Our good friend, Kyle came up on Saturday night with his new boyfriend Chuck. We have only met Chuck once, so it was fun to get to know him. We all LOVED him! He's a Keeper Kyle!

CUTIES!

My dad RELAXING! A rare scene!

My Feverish-self trying to read the game directions - Nevermind my appearance.

Game ON.

Seth's Serious Game Face!

My Mom's guessing... I think she was on my team at this point!

The MORAL:

GAME NIGHT IS ALWAYS FUN...IT doesn't even matter if you're SICK as shit! ;)

Oh Good Lord - 2010

2010-01-19T15:34:00.000-08:00

We have started the year off with a BANG - of lots of crappy illness' that is. Oh my Lord, it's been ROUGH. Seth was sick over Christmas - really sick. It turns out he had a good case of the ole' H1N1. The kids both had some similar symptoms, but not quite as severe as Seth's. Just as everyone on my house was recuperating, GUESS WHO gets sick?? Yours Truly. I ended up going to the Doc the day after my birthday, and I too (although vaccinated for BOTH flu's) had the FLU. I had a fever for 8 straight days. I felt like absolute shit. I can't imagine the people who DON'T get vaccinated and get it. I think I would have probably died. haha. Sounds funny now, but there were times I thought I was drawing near last week.

We went to the lake house this weekend to relax and get better. Lydia and I coughed ALL weekend long. It would have been comical if we weren't both in pain. Zachary's ears started draining this horrible GREEN pussy, nasty stuff. We knew one tube had fallen out, b/c we saw it but no the other.

So, on the way home from the lake yesterday we stopped at the pediatrician. Turns out, double ear infections for both kiddos, and Lydia had some mild walking pneumonia. GREAT. I came home with half of Walgreens pharmacy. To make matters even better, I was literally coughing my head off (but FINALLY fever FREE) and Seth was out of town. Nice huh? NOT SO MUCH.

The kids slept like babies last night which would have been great if I wasn't coughing all night. My house this morning was like a hospital. Lydia was getting a breathing treatment while I was wrestling Zac to the ground to get ear drops in his ears. On top of that, they both had other meds and antibiotics. We got out of the house on time...how, I will never know, but we did.

As the day went on, and my cough was disrupting meeting after meeting, I decided i should probably go back to the Doc too. So on my way home tonight, I had an appt. Why would I even have been surprised that a chest X-Ray showed pneumonia in my lungs and I am now on 4 different meds. UUUGGGHHH.

There, it's Out... I have vented... NOW... I can go and spend my energy and prayers for the thousands and thousands of Haitians who my heart just hearts for. I feel so helpless, and all I want to do is help. I have given $$ but I want to BE THERE!! I want to help people find the resources they need. I want to hug the weeping mother, I want to hold the sickly orphan. I want to raise up the helpless man. I just want to help. And as I immediately received the shot I needed today, and easily went to Walgreens and was handed three other medications that will make me better within days, I can't help but wonder why some of us get so blesses and others just don't.

I am looking at the pharmacy of antibiotics on my counter and wishing sooo badly that I could just give them to someone lying on the street hoping not to lose a limb. My kids ear infections will heal, antibiotic or not. My pneumonia will get better - with rest and warmth. If only I could help. I feel so guilty! That's just how I am feeling these days.

It's all About me

2010-01-12T13:38:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling Super Duper Crap-tastic this week with an off and on fever, chills, night sweats, a headache and a hacking cough. This morning was no different and that sucks b/c it is my birthday! So, I made the best of it.

I decided instead of dragging my sickly ass into work like i did yesterday, I would stay home. I laid in bed all morning and watched T.V. and surfed the Internet. Then I soaked in a HOT, BUBBLY bath. This is something I NEVER get to do. This afternoon, I am just hanging out. I should be doing laundry, or cleaning up but I am not. I am still not feeling up to par and I figure I deserve a day to recover and chill. So that's what I am doing today.

I have enjoyed my minute b/c it's usually all about them...

Lydia LOVING the Wii after Bath... and she's pretty good too!!

Waiting for HIS turn!

Playing in the **SNOW**

What Could Be Cuter? Than That Look!

Weeee!! NO HANDS!

And That's Just Fine With Me...

On the Fence

2010-01-06T13:38:00.000-08:00

I am so on the fence, I think, although maybe not...UGh, I don't know.

Seth and I both attended Catholic school from K-12th grade. It was all I knew. It was all he knew. Then we went to college. I went to college in Alabama. Seth attended in Indiana. I, (coming from a private, Catholic school) was in the minority. Seth was not. Not that any of this really matters BUT, I am so on the fence about where to send my kids to school. Seth, not so much.

I ALWAYS thought, hands down, my kids would go to Catholic school. Then I started working as a Social Worker in the public school systems. Over the years, I have worked in the poorest of poor and the richest of rich. I have worked in the inner cities, and also out in the middle of absolutely NO where schools.

And now I am on the fence, although not really. Deep down, I think I want my kids to go to Catholic school. But, then again, I am constantly asking myself WHY? The truth is I want them to have the faith that I developed, a very deep faith. Then I start thinking...did I get that from Catholic school; Or, did I get that from my parents? Did I get that from being a Social Worker and and the gift from God of truly being able to see the other side? I don't know? I don't know where I got it. I have to think that it's a combination. Of course it's a combination. But how I am ever to know how much came from my Catholic education. This is so hard!

Tennessee is NOT well known for their great public education system. In fact, it's quite the opposite. However, we happen to live in the very BEST county in the state for public education. Everyone wants to live here...for the schools - at least if you live in TN. We are zoned for a well known school in the county. My sisters' kids attend there and do just fine, as do almost all of our neighbors. It's getting over crowded, but there are plans to build another one by the time The Bug would start kindergarten.

Here's the thing...I don't work for OUR county schools, I work for our CITY schools, and although we are not a huge county; there is a difference. The county brings in most (but not all) of the middle class to wealthier families of our county. The city schools bring in the rest of the middle class, some of the wealthy, and also almost all of the poverty of the county. Which is EXACTLY why I LOVE the district I work in.

I am a big fan of elementary schools that are K-8 ~ Maybe it's b/c that is what I am used to in Catholics schools, OR, maybe it is the literature I have read in the past about the benefits, OR, maybe it is b/c it is my FAVORITE school I work in within my district. I don't know. SEE- I told you, I don't know. SIGH...

Here are the highlights of our dilemma...

1) We want religion and faith to be a part of of children's lives, first at home and second at school. Once they start school, they will be there more than here and it's important to us that it is a constant in their lives. Public school doesn't teach these things, and personally, I don't think they should.

2) While Catholic schools are a dime a dozen across most of the country, they are not here in the south. In fact, we only have ONE in our entire county. So, I am sure you can imagine that it is crowded. Priority goes to Parishioners, and we go to the other Catholic church. If we decide on Catholic, we need to switch Parrish's now, and start "giving". Wright or wrong, that's the way it is.

3) We don't want our children to grow up in their "little, white, Catholic world." We want our kids to know and appreciate diversity. We want them to learn from and accept others who are different. Public school would offer this, Catholic would not.

4) I of all people, understand the conduct and behavior problems in the public schools - even here, in the wealthiest of counties. As parents, we all want the best, most effective learning environment for our kids...right?? I worry about this when I see what I see in the public schools.

5) Catholic school is set up for the "average" student. You can't be much above or much lower than the median. They don't have the resources and they don't have to meet every students' needs. Public school, on the other hand, is required by law to educate every child according to their needs, no matter what.

6) Public school is FREE!

I could go on and on... These are just the highlights. I am so confused, although I am leaning in the Catholic school direction. Anyone else out there ever had to make this decision? Man, it's a hard one!

The New Year

2010-01-05T17:41:00.000-08:00

In this New Year... I promise to...

1) Have more patience with my husband and kids
2) Take better care of my emotional, physical and spiritual health
3) Blog more for the memories and sake of my children

I think I'll work on those before I add any more.

Happy New Year Blogging World. I have missed you!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

2009-12-24T10:56:00.000-08:00

OK, I officially suck at blogging. In fact, I suck at a lot of things lately. Recently, it's been parenting and being a good wife. I am working on it though. My husband assures me I am NOT, but deep down, I know I could be better. Mommy and wife guilt is the WORST!!! I mean the WORST! Ugh,

I have a household of sick children and a husband with the flu. It's been this way for 6 days. 3 Days ago, Zachary decided to start climbing out of his crib- at nape time yesterday, I carried him back 16 times before he fell asleep. Now, I feel the heavy mucus settling into MY chest. And, it's Christmas Eve. :(

Despite all of this... I am determined to get up from this computer and make then make some cookies for Santa with Lydia.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Update

2009-11-13T14:38:00.000-08:00

Well, it turns out that Baby Brother is being returned to Christina. Honestly, that makes my heart happy. That means that C is doing well and worked her plan. In my mind she is still a child, neglected by her mom, her grandmother, the state. I am glad to hear that she is fighting back.

By accident I ended up getting the phone number of the man who is over foster care and adoption in the state of TN. I explained my situation and our story. He was very nice, and very professional. he acted distraught to hear of all that we went through and that we will never foster again due to the actions, or lack there of, of DCS. He gave me phone number after phone number of people involved in the case and encouraged me to call, and at the end of this call I actually felt a glimpse of gratitude and remorse from the Department's perspective. Well, as you can probably imagine, that was short lived.

I did as he told me to do. I started with Satan's supervisor, *Shit for Brains. So I called *SFB and started explaining who I was and why I was calling. It only went south from there. It went something like this...

Me: Hi SFB, My name is Katie **** and I am calling b/c we just found out that our daughter's biological brother is in foster care and has been in custody for almost all of his life. He is now 17 months old and we have never once received a call asking for placement, or even a visit. We would like to get to the bottom of this for HER sake.

SFB: Oh, well, Mrs. ****, you do realize that our job is to REUNITE families correct?

(It was clear that she knew exactly who I was... B/C, well, in their dilusional world, if you advocate for the foster children in your home, then of course you are simply trying to steal children out of foster care and adopt them for yourself. Haaaaa. That's why we sent several other babies to other oster homes, and declined a few referrals.) Haaaa again!

Me: Yes, I understand reunification, that is not the point. The point is that this child has been in custody for over a year and a half and never once was given the opportunity to meet her BIOLOGICAL baby brother.

SFB: Well, this child is going home (in a very snotty voice.) This mother has worked her plan. And THIS (as if we kidnapped Lydia from under their eyes) will be going HOME!

Me: GOOD! That is GREAT news for him and for C. That means C is doing well and working her plan. But that is not my point. I want some answers as to why we were never contacted and my daughter has not been able to see her brother.

Me and SFB - Got at it bantering back and forth. She can't seem to understand simple

SFB: Mam, I don't have answers for you. I will have to get back to you.

Me: Of course you don't. GOOD. I will look forward to hearing back from you shortly.

SFB: Uhhh, Uhhhh, well it won't be today. I have other children and emergency situations to deal with.

Me: Of course you do SFB. Goodbye.

Do you think I have heard a word since then?? Hell NO.

So, I call back the "professional, caring, director" I spoke with the first time and was completely dismissed. He assured me he would call me back first thing in the morning. Haaaaa.

Well, I suppose we should cut them all a little break. I am confident SFB has some kind of associates degree in...ummm. probably how to sharpen pencils. Mr. Professional might have a real live college degree giving his ranking in the system. My guess is that is is something like a bachelor's degree in cosmotology.

Who knows... But this I do know... I am not a dentist or a lawyer, or a teacher and I would never be allowed to practice as one without the proper education and lisence. So why do these yahoo's get to "play" SOCIAL WORKER in MY FIELD (that I spent TONS OF MONEY AND TIME to achieve) only to F up REAL PEOPLE'S LIVES??

I don't get it. It hurts my heart.

What to do next? I don't know. Perhaps several of us should ban together from state to state and tell our stories?! Maybe we should all work together to CHANGE things.

Thoughts?

War Back On

2009-10-27T12:05:00.000-07:00

It turns out that Lydia's biological baby brother is in foster care. We knew that C had another baby and that it was a boy. We also knew that he was born just a few weeks before or after Zac. I also know this baby's name. What I didn't know up until a week ago is that this baby boy is IN FOSTER CARE and we were NEVER contacted. DCS policy states that siblings whether adjudicated or not shall be attempted to be placed together and at the very least shall have scheduled visits.

I am LIVID. ABSOLUTELY LIVID!!! Oh, and guess who the caseworker is... YEP.. you guessed it...SATAN WOMAN from hell. The worker that would have given her right arm to have Lydia taken from us.

I WILL get to the very bottom of this. I am beyond LIVID. I will never stop advocating for children, especially my own. What the hell does that woman NOT UNDERSTAND about that? Did she not learn anything about us during our 3 years at war? We will fight for each and every last right for our daughter. We did as her foste parents and we we will now and forever as her adoptive parents!

More later... I am waaaay too angry!!

P.S. I stole "Satan" from Snarky Mom. I couldn't help it. I think we both had the same caseworker. Is that possible?

Just Stuff

2009-10-06T12:55:00.000-07:00

This is just s smattering of stuff going on...

I am reading this book.
My friends, Stacy and Annie recommended it to me. It is freaking hysterical. It is so wrong on so many levels, but you just can't help but laugh. It's like a bad wreck you just can't take your eyes off of. You know it's wrong, but my gawd, you just HAVE TO watch, or laugh in my case. So, I highly recommend it if you aren't easily offended.

AND This BOY...

Is talking up a storm.
-What's that?
-Who's that?
- Byeeeeee Yidia
- Hiiiiiii Yidia
- Daddy
- Stop that!
- And absolutely anything else he wants to say if he is in the mood. The VERY best though... He counts to FIVE, and will sing the ABC's. I HAVE to get it on video. It's too GREAT!

We made a very quick trip to PURDUE this weekend to see the Northwestern/Purdue game. Ughhh, it was agony watching the Boilers turn over the ball and miss opportunity after opportunity. The kids were awesome though (even though the game was FREEZING) and had a lot of fun playing with the other kids, Megan and Owen. We stayed with some of Seth's best friends and were also able to see several others. All in all it was a fun weekend minus the final score, but my camera really didn't make it out much while we were there. And I am BUMMED we didn't get to see the Taylor's. Oh well... Next time.

We have a weekend at home this weekend - No football games to attend. Yaaaa. We love football, but it's been a busy fall so far and our teams are crappy. We really need to get some projects done around the house. Hopefully we will.

I am now trying my best to keep up with two blogs. I will continue to post the present on this blog and my private blog will always hold our past. That's not to say that I won't share stories from our past or need to vent about some of the craziness of it all from time to time here, because I know I will.

Ohhh, one more thing. We are hosting a Halloween Costume Party in a few weeks and have yet to decide on costumes. We really like to make a big deal of it... any suggestions?

Desserts

2009-09-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

Yuuum. Desserts are my absolute favorite! Here is my addition to Kelly's Korner. Head over there for more.

Apple Crisp

10 Granny Smith Apples
1/2 C. Sugar
1/2 C. Margarine-melted
9 Oz. Yellow Cake Mix
1 t. Cinnamon

Place peeled, cored and sliced apples in a greased 8x12 inch pan.
Combine sugar and cinnamon and sprinkle over the apples.
Top with dry cake mix, then drizzle the butter over the top.
Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes.
-Serve with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and warm caramel sauce.

I wish I had a picture but I don't. It is soooo YUM though! If you happen to try it, I hope you enjoy!

Here and Now

2009-09-24T13:10:00.000-07:00

So on to the present...

Work is kicking my butt. I picked up another day in the district and now I only have Fridays off. I am conflicted about all of this but all in all, it's ok.

Football season is not going well at all, but we are enjoying it nonetheless. Seth and I went to Oregon to the Purdue Vs. Oregon game. The outcome was unpleasant, but the trip was lots of fun. The kids stayed with Grandma and Grandpa, so it was a vacay for them as well (and I don't mean for my mom and dad). haaa.

Vandy is playing but not winning. If you like football you know what I mean.

Zachary is talking up a storm now, but only on his terms. He has to be the cutest little boy in the world though. At least he is to his momma.

Lydia is all about getting her nails and toenails painted, but not by me. It has to be from the little girly salon Sweet and Sassy. It's a totally CUTE place and she has been talking about it forever. Well, we have had a couple weeks of her getting out of bed and coming in to our room over and over in the middle of the night. That makes for crabby parents so I came up with an idea.

She has a bedtime chart with VERY special princess stickers she can use IF she stays in bed all night. Haaaaa. It has worked like a charm. I told her if she gets 5 stickers in a row, (meaning staying in bed 5 nights in a row) I would take her to Sweet and Sassy to get her nails done. As you can see, she's 3 for 3. Yaaaaa Lydi!

I let her place her stickers herself so there is not much rhyme or reason, but it's working so HEY...

She was getting up so frequently that this became a learned behavior, almost like a habit. I am hoping this will break this habit and once the fingernails are painted, we can move on and get back to a normal night time routine without all the FLUFF!

Seth celebrated a BIRTHDAY on the 14th. It was low key, but the kids LOVE birthdays so we tried to make big deal about it. We had just gotten home from Oregon the night before and I had to work all day the next day. So, GiGi's Cupcakes it was... Oh, they are to DIE FOR! I can't believe I didn't get pics of the actual cupcakes! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!

Here are a few pictures of our lives lately. Enjoy...Glad to be back!

Lydia hanging with the Vanderbilt Cheerleaders! Fun Times with my friend Annie

I love this Baby more than life itself!

He tried so hard to hang in there at the game...
And he's OUT!Lydia started back to dance!! Of course she LOVES IT!

LIFE IS GOOD!

On Second Thought...

2009-09-24T12:43:00.000-07:00

Wow, I really thought I would be a lot better about blogging. I love to write. I love to read. I have kept a private blog for 3 years now and I was pretty good about blogging there. What's up?

I think I finally figured it out. After a lot of thought and soul searching, I have realized why I am not sitting down and blogging.

I changed my blog from a private, password restricted blog to this very public, "hello world here we are blog" because I wanted to help others. My nightmare was over and I now had all this information, and experience and knowledge and I knew I needed to do something with it. I knew that I wanted other potential adoptive and foster parents to know what we knew. I would have given my right arm to have this knowledge under my belt when we were battling the courts, and navigating through international and domestic adoption, not to mention infertility. A lot of heart ache and aggravation can be saved if you are educated on these areas. And I am here to tell you, it is not easy to come by, especially if you are in the thick of your own experiences.

So, I came here as a platform of information and experience, hoping to reach out and advocate. But, in this process I realized I am not ready to do this. It's not that I am not ready to share and help others. I am just not ready to sit down and relive it all yet. The stories and experience are still to raw. I still have nightmares of Lydia being taken away, and Zac being left in the hospital. It was too much to sit down and dig it all back up. I would leave the computer exhausted and therefore, I would just avoid it all together.

I was also completely conflicted with putting The Bug's story out there for the world to dissect. Sure, Seth and I went through hell and back and yes, I want to help others...BUT, this is Lydia's story too and I am not sure that it is fair of me to share HER story, at least not so publicly.

And then I feel bad because, how do I help others but not tell my story. Well, I have thought about that too. I am going to renew my former private blog. Our story was documented from day one. If you are a follower and I have gotten to know you...email me. I will send you the link and the password.

But as for THIS blog...I want to keep it in the HERE and NOW. I want to rejoice my kids and tell funny stories and also share my frustrations as a mom, wife and so on. This is our life now and I just want it to be light and fun.

I hope you all understand that I am STILL HERE if you have questions or know someone else who does. It is still very important to me to help. Foster and adoptive parents will always take a back seat to birth parents, but they still have rights, and everyone should know that.

Peace Out... You will be seeing me much more regularly now. Yaaaaa!

It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year!!!

2009-09-05T10:36:00.000-07:00

GO DORES GO!!!!

Ignorance is Bliss

2009-09-01T13:29:00.000-07:00

On Saturday afternoon The Bug was playing so nicely in her playroom, I thought I would surprise her and get Annie out for her to play with for a while. Thank goodness I didn't make a big announcement about going to get her, because as I got close to her cage and said her name I realized she was dead. Well, poor Annie and poor Bug but honestly, we are just not guinea pig peeps (obvioulsy, although I don't think we did anything to kill her). We do dogs and that's about it. I may eat my words one day, but I think from now on we will stick to man's best friend.

So now I have to figure out how to tell Lydia the bad news.

DEEP BREATH...HERE GOES...

Mommy: "Lydia I have some sad news sweetie."
Lydia: "Oh you do mommy? Can I watch a movie?"
M: "Maybe, but I need to tell you something."
L: "You have a surprise for me mommy?"
M: -Trying not to laugh- "No honey, Annie died."
L: "Annie died mommy? I don't want her to die."
M: "Me either sweetie, I am so sorry."
L: "Well, let's go see her. Can we go see her mommy"

Hmmmm, how do I handle this... Well, ok...she can see her and say good-bye I guess.

-Now we are standing in front of Annie's cage...

L: "Oh mommy, Annie died."
M: "Yes, she did Bug. It's very sad and I am sorry your guinea pig died."
L: "I am so sorry you died Annie. I miss you. Mommy, can you wake her up now so I can play with her?"

Huh??? Oh yeah, she's 3!!!

I explained that she went to live in heaven with Lucky, our Maltese that was hit by a car last year. It seems that was all she needed b/c she rsponded with,"Oh yes, mommy, now Annie is living with Lucky and God in heaven in the fluffy white clouds." "Yes, she sure is Lydia."

Annie hasn't been brought up since. If only life stayed THIS innocent!

Rest in peace Annie.

Excuses, Excuses...

2009-08-27T13:50:00.000-07:00

I could come up with a million as to where I have been and why I have not been in bloggy world. but I am not even going to go there. Truth be told, I just haven't felt like sitting down and posting on this blog. I don't know why. I still keep up with all of yours. I am wondering if within me somewhere I am not wanting to rehash the hell of adopting our kids. I thought I was ready to do this. Anyhow...I will be doing it. Maybe I am ready, who knows?

For now I will just catch you up. We have been doing A LOT OF THIS...

We have also been hanging out with friends and wrapping up summer. I also started back to work which has been interesting thus far. I did have a very weak moment one afternoon and bought Lydia a guinea pig. Sh named her Annie which is very cute. The little pig is cute too but OMG, I never in a million years thought I would EVER have a rodent in my house. When the novelty dies down I think she will be making a trip to one of my classrooms. hehe.

I am off to get dinner started and am thinking I will start coming around more often now.

First though, here is The Bug with her Annie...

Stupid Computer!

2009-08-05T18:50:00.000-07:00

I won't blame it all on my computer, as I have been pretty busy, BUT...I am so mad at dumbass Vista. Everytime it updates itself I have trouble with everything. UGHHHH.

Well, we have had our share of illness and mishaps lately, so that is to blame as well. Sorry for my absence. I say that as if anyone cares... haha. I WILL return soon with some more of Lydia's adoption story. I really want to finish it up. I want to finish Zac's too, but OH LORD, that may take a while. Everyone I know says I should write a book. But my story doesn't even do the real life justice. I wouldn't know where to start.

Anyhow, summer is wrapping up around here. I am back at work - must get to bed - have an early meeting.

Show Us Your Life - Wedding Dress

2009-07-24T08:02:00.000-07:00

I haven't participated in Kelly's Friday fun lately b/c things have been so crazy for me, so I thought I would chime in today. It's show your wedding dress Friday - So Fun. Head over there to see more.

These are definitely NOT the best wedding pictures we have, but you can see my dress pretty well. I LOOOVED my dress!!

The Back of my dress

Haaaa, it's a long story... But I am here to tell you that Las Vegas in May with no A/C is damn HOT!

I thought I would throw this one in just b/c I like it!

A Baby or a Boat

2009-07-21T13:43:00.000-07:00

That was the ultimatum that I gave Seth a month or so ago. He VERY quickly responded, A BOAT!!! So after a VERY long search for the perfect one, here is... IN LIEU OF... Isn't she Adorable! hehe.

A Daddy and his Daughter...

My Happy Happy Bug
Seth's DREAM. He's sooo Happy!

Lydia was jumping in over and over. She LOVES the water - Thanks to Swim America lessons!!

It was an unusally COOL weekend in July. We had to bundle up!

Enough is Enough. We weren't in the car 5 minutes on the way back to the lake house and she was OUT!
MOre FUN in The SUN to COME!!!

- Next though is A LOT more of Lydia's adoption story. I need to try to finish it up and get on to Bam's. He's is CRAZY TOO!!

Summer Blues

2009-07-15T16:37:00.000-07:00

I've just been in a funk. OK, not a funk necessarily, but just slowly declining in the mood area. It seems that it happens to me about this time of the year for the past 5 years or so. I can't figure out what it is. Well, right now, I know. Seth has been gone for almost five straight weeks with work. He may come home for a day or two and then he is off again. I seriously don't know how on earth single moms cope and survive. Well, scratch that, I could easily "cope and survive," but be HAPPY? NO WAY! Damn, this is HARD!

I try to keep my days jam packed with activities, as you have seen from all the pictures, all the way up until bed time. We all function better that way. At least Lydia and I do. I should have listened when everyone told me that 3 is harder than 2. Furthermore, she has given up naps and also come to our, ahem, I mean, MY bed several times a night. I am not the best sleeper. I used to be, but I'm not anymore. So once she comes in and wakes me up, I'm done. I can bet I will be awake for another couple hours trying to go back to sleep.

Here's another funny thing. Isn't it crazy how life always looks so perfect in pictures?! I mean, I browse around to other blogs and get pictures sent online from friends and I often think to myself, "man, her/their life if perfect." That's a completely distorted thought. I know that know now and I know that when I am in the moment, but I can't help but go there. I am sure that my life looks perfect in pictures too. Who goes running for their camera when they are so angry at their 3 year old for hitting her baby brother for the second time in the last ten minutes? NOT ME! And we're certainly not zooming and shooting when we're sweaty, frustrated and trying to console or discipline our children. At least in my house, the only reason the camera pops out is when we're happy - when we are ALL simultaneously happy. And ummm, truth be told, that just doesn't happen all that often.

Don't get me wrong WE ARE A HAPPY FAMILY!! We love and trust and pray and play and we have a GREAT LIFE, we really do. We laugh A LOT! We are truly blessed in the whole sense of the word. We both have awesome jobs, we are HEALTHY, we have the things we need to survive and then some, and then a TON! God has been SO GOOD to us!

So why do I get these summer blues? I find myself feeling sooo guilty. I have a recording inside my head that tells me "how awful and guilt ridden I should feel for ever being sad, or frustrated or anxiety ridden. I start to tell myself what a terrible person I am for having these feelings after all HE has blessed us with - Answered prayers, and I AM STILL NOT HAPPY? What gives? I must just be an awful person!" And that is when the trouble starts.
Yep, this is the recording I have. We all have recordings. Some are distorted and some are not. It's the thoughts that were ingrained in us at such a young age. It's the new thoughts that start as we begin to gain Independence and learn earn our sense of self. And then the ones that come with parenthood. I swear no matter how great a parent you are, I don't know that any of us escape the recordings. "Shit, I blew that.", "Did I handle that right?", "I really shouldn't have lost my patience.", "Oh hell, I sound just like my mother!" Haha. Am I the only?

What are your recordings?

Ok, I am taking off my therapist hat now. Although. I think I quite needed that session with myself.

And here are just a few pics of me and my Fam, keeping it real!

Yep, I am wearing HOT PINK shorts and a Turquoise tee shirt. I had to ditch my khaki -too tight Capri's(b/c all I have done is eaten and drank beer all summer) the minute I walked in the door. Boy, that makes you feel good about yourself! Haha.

And, here's Baby Bam - crying tonight at bedtime when I REALLY, REALLY just NEED for him to go bed.
Notice, the chewed up crib rails. Yes, just another piece of my very imperfect life!

Oh, and since we're talking about how GREAT I feel about myself, here's my dinner tonight after the kids finally got to bed. Holy Hell...Oh Well.

P.S. I use spell check EVERYTIME I post.

Ok, Good Night.

Boats and Rain

2009-07-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

We have been looking at boats all week. I Really want a boat. My parents have a boat at their lake house, but, we want a smaller one to tool around the lake in and pull skiers and such. Well, we found one we LOVE today! Now we have to figure out how to make it all work!!

As soon as we got home this afternoon it started pouring! Seth got half of the lawn mowed and I got my car cleaned out. My flowers are doing GREAT!!! :) Pictures to come - headed to bed.