Busy w/ Summer

We have had such a GREAT summer, although we haven't stopped.

-Trip to the beach- CHECK
-Trip to Holiday World- CHECK
-Trips to the pool- CHECK
-Trips to the lake- CHECK

Of course, my BIG plans of deep cleaning my house room by room has fallen by the wayside. But we have spent some GREAT family time together and even got to spend the last 4 days with our ENTIRE extended (except for one SIL) and nuclear family together at the lake house. That hasn't happened in years! It was great FUN! And one of the highlights of the summer was my sister and I reuniting with some cousins we haven't seen in 30 years. Thanks Facebook!

Now work is right around the corner rearing it's ugly head...BUT, if you know me. I am READY to get back into routine. I am ready for cooler weather and FOOTBALL!

My sister and I with our cousins in MN

Lake fun w/ Family in KY

Sweet Cousins

My nephew Sam

My beautiful SIL Sara and Zachy

Fishing with Uncle Matt and Cousin Nathan

Hanging at the lake house

Adoption Struggles from BOTH Ends

It's so hard to know what to say, what to do...from beginning (home study, Dear BM letter) to end - post placement - even years later.

I have always sent Zachary's birth parents letters and pictures. I think I have sent 3 or 4 in the last few years, including several pics via cell phone to Kevan, his Birth Father.

They recently moved and I (being stupid) misplaced their address. So I just sent Kevan a text asking him to please send me their address once more. He responded and told me that Jenny didn't want anymore letters or pictures. She was in too much pain still. :( My heart sank for her. I wish she was here and she could see him and hold him and kiss him. I wish she could see what a wonderful soul he is and how selfless her decision was. and how wonderfully happy he is. I just so badly want to be able to take her pain away. That will never happen. I know that. But it genuinely makes my so sad. I don't want anyone to hurt, let alone the mother of my baby who she lovingly placed in my arms.

I read lots of adoption books and also BM and AP's blogs. I try to see every perspective and try to accept all of the hurt feelings and anguish that occurs along the adoption journey for everyone. I wish I would have seen this coming. It tears me up to know that I have been sending pictures and letters that only made it harder for her. On the flip side, I so BADLY want this communication and relationship for Zachary.

I assured Kevan that we are always here, and in THEIR time we would love to hear from them. I promised the communication line would always be open - as long as it takes. I put the ball back in their court - even though it pains me to do so.

I don't know why I so much wish for an open adoption. Wait... Yes I do. I know how healthy they can be. I know how much Zachy is going to want to know where he is from, who he once belonged to and why he no longer does. I want him to have that piece. I also want so badly to take away Jenny and Kevan's pain, and I guess naively, I thought I was helping to do that by sharing his life with them.

Everyone grieves differently. I get that and I respect that. I guess I just wish I could heal just a tiny piece of there heart by passing along what an amazing little boy they brought into this world.

You are one little LOVED BOY Zachary Colin!

Summer is...

Boats and Swimming, Barbeque's and Margaritas

HOT and Sticky

Busy and Boooring, Popsicles and Ice Cream

The Library and Catching Fireflies

Fireworks

Picnics and Bubbles

Ice Water, Pink Lemonade, and Strawberries

Long Naps, Good Books

Walks around the Block, Playing in the Sprinkler

Friends and Family

Sunglasses and Flip Flops and Stars in the Sky...

and I can't believe it's almost OVER. I go back to school in just a few weeks and the kids will return to full time daycare. It's been a jam packed few months and I can honestly say I have surprised myself! I have done well staying home with the kids. Granted, I have made sure we are always on the go, but I think I have done OK - NOT great - but OK. This may sound horrible, but I am a MUCH better mom to my kids when I am working. I like to work - especially part-time so that I have quality time with them when I am not. I LOVE my kids to end of the earth but I enjoy feeling productive outside the home. I like having adult conversations, and the social piece that comes along with working. Of course the grass is ALWAYS greener. When I am at work I miss my kids dearly and can't wait for the end of the day - but I know this is healthy for OUR family.

Seth has been gone the last couple of weeks and will be gone a few more. It's been hard. Kudos to single moms! I seriously don't know how you do it. I am so lucky to have my parents so close and nieces to babysit for next to nothing. They save me (and my kids - haha) in times like this - when Seth is gone for long spurts.

Last night I had a major meltdown. This morning I had a small one. Yesterday I locked my keys in the car. Lydia tests me over and over again (as any 4 year old does) until I almost explode. Zachary throws fit after fit after fit, screaming and kicking and throwing his little body around like a rag doll (as all two year olds do) when he doesn't get his way. The TV remote stopped working and the hatchback in my mini van won't stay up by itself anymore - making unloading $150 worth of groceries in 95 degree heat tons of FUN! I attempted mass this morning. I don't know why but I did. It SUCKED! We ended up leaving half way through. The shitty-est part of it all was that we were going to get donuts and smoothies after mass if they were good and they WEREN'T - so we skipped it. I don't know when I will learn to stop threatening consequences when it hurts me more than them! hahahaa. My mom has had Lydia for the day and she called me a few minutes ago laughing. She said, "Boy, have I gotten an earful about your weekend." Hahaha. I guess Lydia informed my mom that "Me and Mommy just need a little bit of time apart." Hmmmm. I wonder where she got that!

Anyhow...Seth will be home tomorrow (at least for a few days) and then on Wed. I am leaving to go on a girls trip with my mom and sister to Minneapolis to see my Aunt Pat. I can't wait!

In closing Lydia was INSISTING on getting her ears pierced yesterday. God love her. She was sooo excited! It was all going great until she saw the piercing gun out of the corner of her eyes. Oh well...She has decided that she wants to wait until she is older now.

I am so PROUD of YOU for trying LYDI BUG!!! Don't worry - Your day will come and it will be SO SPECIAL!

I LOVE YOU LYDIA AND ZACHY!

Alive and Well

We are.. I promise. It's been nuts around here. The kids are in daycare tomorrow so I may just have some free time to blog. That is after I cleanout the pantry, fridge and so on... haha. I have some cute pics to post. :)