Monday, July 12, 2010

Adoption Struggles from BOTH Ends

It's so hard to know what to say, what to do...from beginning (home study, Dear BM letter) to end - post placement - even years later.

I have always sent Zachary's birth parents letters and pictures. I think I have sent 3 or 4 in the last few years, including several pics via cell phone to Kevan, his Birth Father.

They recently moved and I (being stupid) misplaced their address. So I just sent Kevan a text asking him to please send me their address once more. He responded and told me that Jenny didn't want anymore letters or pictures. She was in too much pain still. :( My heart sank for her. I wish she was here and she could see him and hold him and kiss him. I wish she could see what a wonderful soul he is and how selfless her decision was. and how wonderfully happy he is. I just so badly want to be able to take her pain away. That will never happen. I know that. But it genuinely makes my so sad. I don't want anyone to hurt, let alone the mother of my baby who she lovingly placed in my arms.

I read lots of adoption books and also BM and AP's blogs. I try to see every perspective and try to accept all of the hurt feelings and anguish that occurs along the adoption journey for everyone. I wish I would have seen this coming. It tears me up to know that I have been sending pictures and letters that only made it harder for her. On the flip side, I so BADLY want this communication and relationship for Zachary.

I assured Kevan that we are always here, and in THEIR time we would love to hear from them. I promised the communication line would always be open - as long as it takes. I put the ball back in their court - even though it pains me to do so.

I don't know why I so much wish for an open adoption. Wait... Yes I do. I know how healthy they can be. I know how much Zachy is going to want to know where he is from, who he once belonged to and why he no longer does. I want him to have that piece. I also want so badly to take away Jenny and Kevan's pain, and I guess naively, I thought I was helping to do that by sharing his life with them.

Everyone grieves differently. I get that and I respect that. I guess I just wish I could heal just a tiny piece of there heart by passing along what an amazing little boy they brought into this world.

You are one little LOVED BOY Zachary Colin!


  1. That's a wonderful outlook. We have adopted through fostering. I try to keep track of where my child's birth family is and luckily have some family information for him when he grows up. we are also considering adopting another child but have decided that foster care is no longer the place for us.

  2. I really feel for your son's birthmother. I can so relate to her pain. I don't know how I would have actually handled seeing my child through pictures. I can imagine it to be bitter sweet.

  3. I worry about this all the time. Lately, I've not been getting responses from Sabrina's birthmother to the pictures I've been sending. We thought maybe we were being too pushy, so I slowed down a bit on that. The last thing I want is to add to her anguish. We have a very good relationship, but sometimes she just goes dark for a while.

  4. I love your blog, I just bumped into it. @Bobby, sometimes I (as a birth mother in an open adoption)can't handle the pictures sent to me. But I treasure each and everyone of them. I don't always respond, because it hurts too much at the time. The worst feeling for a birth mom is that of being left behind with no warning. Your birth mom might be having a hard time right now. She may need those pictures and updates you're not sending desperately. What happens when you slow it down is that she may not want to interfere with your day to day life. So, she sits back and lets it happen while she aches for the pictures. My suggestion would be to straight out ask her. "Are we sending too much?" And if she says yes, then back off and tell her you will go back at it when she give you the get go. Anywho. Sorry for the novel. LOVE YOUR BLOG!!! :)

  5. What a beautiful post! Zach is adorable, love that picture you have there of him all wet. Jordan has that same swim shirt. :)

  6. Wow...such an amazing and heartfelt post. Thanks for sharing it!
    Zach is beautiful! Is it ok to say that about a boy? His eyes just go right to the heart.

  7. I agree with Jennifer. This is an amazing and heart felt post! I just found your blog today through "Heart Cries." I was adopted as an infant back in 1966. Open adoption wasn't available back then as far as I know. my BM and AP did not meet until I was almost 36 years old. I had just made contact w/ my BM 6 months before. My AP were given almost no info and as far as I can tell my BM had no clue about my placement. I so wish open adoption had been an option for my BM and for me. My BP seem to be glad that it wasn't! I'm happy for today's adoptees that they don't have to live for decades with unanswerd questions like I did! Your family is just like my adoptive family- first a daughter and then a son and you are a beautiful family!! Tracy T.

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