I've just been in a funk. OK, not a funk necessarily, but just slowly declining in the mood area. It seems that it happens to me about this time of the year for the past 5 years or so. I can't figure out what it is. Well, right now, I know. Seth has been gone for almost five straight weeks with work. He may come home for a day or two and then he is off again. I seriously don't know how on earth single moms cope and survive. Well, scratch that, I could easily "cope and survive," but be HAPPY? NO WAY! Damn, this is HARD!
I try to keep my days jam packed with activities, as you have seen from all the pictures, all the way up until bed time. We all function better that way. At least Lydia and I do. I should have listened when everyone told me that 3 is harder than 2. Furthermore, she has given up naps and also come to our, ahem, I mean, MY bed several times a night. I am not the best sleeper. I used to be, but I'm not anymore. So once she comes in and wakes me up, I'm done. I can bet I will be awake for another couple hours trying to go back to sleep.
Here's another funny thing. Isn't it crazy how life always looks so perfect in pictures?! I mean, I browse around to other blogs and get pictures sent online from friends and I often think to myself, "man, her/their life if perfect." That's a completely distorted thought. I know that know now and I know that when I am in the moment, but I can't help but go there. I am sure that my life looks perfect in pictures too. Who goes running for their camera when they are so angry at their 3 year old for hitting her baby brother for the second time in the last ten minutes? NOT ME! And we're certainly not zooming and shooting when we're sweaty, frustrated and trying to console or discipline our children. At least in my house, the only reason the camera pops out is when we're happy - when we are ALL simultaneously happy. And ummm, truth be told, that just doesn't happen all that often.
Don't get me wrong WE ARE A HAPPY FAMILY!! We love and trust and pray and play and we have a GREAT LIFE, we really do. We laugh A LOT! We are truly blessed in the whole sense of the word. We both have awesome jobs, we are HEALTHY, we have the things we need to survive and then some, and then a TON! God has been SO GOOD to us!
So why do I get these summer blues? I find myself feeling sooo guilty. I have a recording inside my head that tells me "how awful and guilt ridden I should feel for ever being sad, or frustrated or anxiety ridden. I start to tell myself what a terrible person I am for having these feelings after all HE has blessed us with - Answered prayers, and I AM STILL NOT HAPPY? What gives? I must just be an awful person!" And that is when the trouble starts.
Yep, this is the recording I have. We all have recordings. Some are distorted and some are not. It's the thoughts that were ingrained in us at such a young age. It's the new thoughts that start as we begin to gain Independence and learn earn our sense of self. And then the ones that come with parenthood. I swear no matter how great a parent you are, I don't know that any of us escape the recordings. "Shit, I blew that.", "Did I handle that right?", "I really shouldn't have lost my patience.", "Oh hell, I sound just like my mother!" Haha. Am I the only?
What are your recordings?
Ok, I am taking off my therapist hat now. Although. I think I quite needed that session with myself.
And here are just a few pics of me and my Fam, keeping it real!
Yep, I am wearing HOT PINK shorts and a Turquoise tee shirt. I had to ditch my khaki -too tight Capri's(b/c all I have done is eaten and drank beer all summer) the minute I walked in the door. Boy, that makes you feel good about yourself! Haha.
I try to keep my days jam packed with activities, as you have seen from all the pictures, all the way up until bed time. We all function better that way. At least Lydia and I do. I should have listened when everyone told me that 3 is harder than 2. Furthermore, she has given up naps and also come to our, ahem, I mean, MY bed several times a night. I am not the best sleeper. I used to be, but I'm not anymore. So once she comes in and wakes me up, I'm done. I can bet I will be awake for another couple hours trying to go back to sleep.
Here's another funny thing. Isn't it crazy how life always looks so perfect in pictures?! I mean, I browse around to other blogs and get pictures sent online from friends and I often think to myself, "man, her/their life if perfect." That's a completely distorted thought. I know that know now and I know that when I am in the moment, but I can't help but go there. I am sure that my life looks perfect in pictures too. Who goes running for their camera when they are so angry at their 3 year old for hitting her baby brother for the second time in the last ten minutes? NOT ME! And we're certainly not zooming and shooting when we're sweaty, frustrated and trying to console or discipline our children. At least in my house, the only reason the camera pops out is when we're happy - when we are ALL simultaneously happy. And ummm, truth be told, that just doesn't happen all that often.
Don't get me wrong WE ARE A HAPPY FAMILY!! We love and trust and pray and play and we have a GREAT LIFE, we really do. We laugh A LOT! We are truly blessed in the whole sense of the word. We both have awesome jobs, we are HEALTHY, we have the things we need to survive and then some, and then a TON! God has been SO GOOD to us!
So why do I get these summer blues? I find myself feeling sooo guilty. I have a recording inside my head that tells me "how awful and guilt ridden I should feel for ever being sad, or frustrated or anxiety ridden. I start to tell myself what a terrible person I am for having these feelings after all HE has blessed us with - Answered prayers, and I AM STILL NOT HAPPY? What gives? I must just be an awful person!" And that is when the trouble starts.
Yep, this is the recording I have. We all have recordings. Some are distorted and some are not. It's the thoughts that were ingrained in us at such a young age. It's the new thoughts that start as we begin to gain Independence and learn earn our sense of self. And then the ones that come with parenthood. I swear no matter how great a parent you are, I don't know that any of us escape the recordings. "Shit, I blew that.", "Did I handle that right?", "I really shouldn't have lost my patience.", "Oh hell, I sound just like my mother!" Haha. Am I the only?
What are your recordings?
Ok, I am taking off my therapist hat now. Although. I think I quite needed that session with myself.
And here are just a few pics of me and my Fam, keeping it real!
Yep, I am wearing HOT PINK shorts and a Turquoise tee shirt. I had to ditch my khaki -too tight Capri's(b/c all I have done is eaten and drank beer all summer) the minute I walked in the door. Boy, that makes you feel good about yourself! Haha.
And, here's Baby Bam - crying tonight at bedtime when I REALLY, REALLY just NEED for him to go bed.
Notice, the chewed up crib rails. Yes, just another piece of my very imperfect life!
Oh, and since we're talking about how GREAT I feel about myself, here's my dinner tonight after the kids finally got to bed. Holy Hell...Oh Well.
P.S. I use spell check EVERYTIME I post.
Ok, Good Night.
I use spellcheck everytime too. It's a MUST.
ReplyDeleteLOL! Keeping it real is what I'm all about...I don't do "plastic". You know those people whos lives seem to be soo perfect they are plastic? Yeah so not for me.
We all have highs & lows. It's perfectly normal to feel that way, especially if you've been alone for a while. Once hubs is home you'll feel better!
Wow, I can SO relate. My kids are done with summer school this week and I am just in denial about the rest of the summer. If I was a single mom, well, I gotta figure CPS would be familiar only it would probably be me having them on speed dial.
ReplyDeleteIt was only after taking my daughters crib apart to put in the garage that I noticed several layers of crust and funkiness on the front rail. Ahem.
Found you from afostermamaslife. Love your layout!
This made me smile and giggle and nod in agreement. It's funny how we normally avoid talking about - and taking pictures of - the not so awesome minutes of our lives!
ReplyDeleteYou have a beautiful family!
Love seeing your "real" life, heehe! I have been known to eat a pint of Hagen Daz for dinner (Pretty often, ha!)
ReplyDeleteBlessings~LillySue
I get the summer time blues too. I think they hit early July cause I know that summer is almost over, Chosen Child with go back to her crazy pyscho BioB and our high strung, tension filled life will resume. I start stressing over how little time is left which prevents me from enjoying it. It's like a mental calendar in my head that does a count down to her life going back to hell every other week. Ugh. One can only cope by drinking more beer!
ReplyDeleteThis is why I just love ya :) I have been on a mental vacation since we've been back from SC to keep myself from freaking out. There's so much to do and so little time in a day. I promised myself I will go back to reality on Wednesday this week. I'll be calling you screaming and freaking out when I realize just how long I have neglected things around my house so the kids and I could stay on our "mental" vacation a little longer! LOL ;)
ReplyDelete