Tuesday, August 3, 2010

A letter to C

C is Lydia's birthmom. If you don't know, C and her baby Lydia came to us as foster children in 2006. Lydi was 5 months old. C had just turned 15. They were with us for 3 weeks. We had just gotten them settled into daycare and high school when C ran away.

There was one hell of a journey between then and Lydia's adoption. Recently I found C on MySpace and connected with her. Since 2006, she has given birth to another baby. A baby boy. As I understand it, he went straight into care but she recently got him back. That means she worked her plan and is doing well. That makes me SO HAPPY. She is a sweet soul. She is a lost soul. She has no support. No proper family to help. I am PROUD of her and pray this road of success continues on and on for her.

Anyhow. I wrote her a letter today. This will be the second letter I have sent since we connected online. Now that I have commented and emailed with several of you birthmoms... I would like your honest opinion. I don't want to push her away, although I am not as willing to allow her into our lives as I would Zachy's BPs. That is only for the safety of Lydia and our family. I do want to know though...She is 19 and we come from totally different worlds.

Does this sound completely dumb to a 19 year old?

Do I sound like I am stepping off of the set of the Brady Brunch? Too much Suburbia?

Am I asking too many questions or not enough?

I am including a few pics too...I always wonder though...Candid or Posed? Everyday or Special Occasion?

Man, This is HARD! Here is the letter....

August 3, 2010

Hi C.

Happy Birthday!! I can’t believe you are 19! You are growing up quickly! Last we spoke you were about to finish your GED. Hope you accomplished all of your goals. I saw online that you are no longer having to go to court for baby boy. I am very happy for you and very proud of you! I know you love him and how hard you have worked for this! I know you will give him a good life.

Our summer has been very busy. Lydia was on the neighborhood swim team and did AWESOME! She is a great swimmer and LOVES the water. We took a trip to Florida and she loves the beach! She had her first dance recital this summer and she danced her little heart out! She’s a little firecracker you know! She wants to wear a “princess dress” everyday and is already learning to read all on her own. She is too smart for her own good. :)

Her hair is getting really long and she won’t even discuss getting it cut. She knows what she wants and we love her for it! She wanted her ears pierced so badly so we agreed she could get them pierced. She was so excited and so brave, UNTIL she saw the needle and then quickly changed her mind and decided she should wait until she was older. It was so cute and we were so proud of her for trying!
In a month she will start Pre-K at her preschool. It’s crazy to think that she is going to be in Kindergarten next year. If she had it her way she would already be in the 2nd grade. Haha. She talks about school all the time and gets out paper and pencils and tells us she is “doing her homework.” Her favorite movies right now are Annie, and anything Strawberry Shortcake! If we are in the car she wants to listen to Taylor Swift over and over. She LOVES the song “You Belong to Me.” She knows every word! She likes to pretend she is a rock star! She will line up all of the chairs in the house and place a doll or stuffed animal in each one (oh, and of course us humans too), and puts on shows for us. It is hysterical to watch. She truly is a performer.

I don’t know about you, but we are all ready for some cooler weather! We are growing tired of these hot and sticky days. Otherwise we are all hanging in there. I hope you and your family are doing well. Please pass along our hellos. If you get a chance, I know Lydia would love to have some pictures of you and baby boy and know how you are doing. We sure do love seeing the new pics you post on MySpace. Baby boy and Lydia look a lot alike!

Continue to work hard for yourself and baby boy. We are always thinking of you, speaking of you, and praying for you.

All the Best,


  1. I love this! I'm so happy you are reaching out to her. I understand your concern with her being involved in your family. I love that you keep the end of your letter open for more communication. As for pictures, I love candid. I think they show more personality than posed. I would throw in a mix. :)

  2. Depending on "where" she is in life, this could sound very "motherly" and condescending. My daughter placed a baby for adoption about a year and a half ago at the same age as your Bmom. Personally, I would not say anything about how she is "growing up". You could word it more like she she is more of a peer age rather than a daughter or young girl. If you look through the letter (which by the way is a WONDERFUL idea!!) I think you might change several things based on thinking of her as another adult rather than a child.
    I think it is presumptuous to give her directives like "continue to work on yourself and baby boy" rather it could say something like "You are always in our prayers as you journey through life with the joys and challenges of raising your precious son"....etc.
    I love the paragraph telling her about Lydia and think that is perfect!
    So, just changing the first and last paragraphs to reflect more affirmation....my opinion, having daughters of my own and knowing how they would feel.

  3. Thanks Anne. I REALLY appreciate your input and see where you are coming from. I think I will change a few things based on your ideas. Thanks! I guess I just automatically think of her this way b/c she JUST got her GED, and custody of her son back and is also in drug and alcohol counseling. I was trying to be supportive but I can see how it could sound "motherly". On the other hand, she has told me on more than one occasion that I am the closest thing she has had to a mother and called me MOM while she was with us. Geez, like I said, this is HARD! Thanks for your insight.

    And THANK YOU Alyssa!!!

  4. Awesome! Glad it helped. Also, candid pictures with you and the rest of your family in them if possible. This always brings comfort to us when we see the whole family together....after all this is the reason these brave young women placed these precious babies....so that they could have a family, complete with mom and dad. Blessings again.

  5. Anne- Her situation was VERY different. She didn't place. Lydia came into foster care as well as C. C ran away and left Lydia. She was very young and had no support. She came in and out of custody. Things got VERY nasty with DCS and her family. BUT, things always stayed civil between she and I. We went through HELL adopting Lydia and trying keep her safe and also advocating for C. Also, C's family are all in and out of jail. Her new 'husband" is now in jail and they have run a drug business out of the house she lives in. It's a VERY different situation that Zachary's. It's not safe for us to send pics of other people or our family. I also worry that she will post pictures of Lydia online and someone will get a hold of them that shouldn't. I guess I should have prefaced with more info. Hope that helps. This is FAR from a normal adoption placement, and I STILL wonder if I am doing the right thing reaching out to her. Open adoption is GREAT. But not ALWAYS the best or safe answer! Thanks again!

  6. Katie~
    I'm not a birth mother so maybe I shouldn't even be commenting. I just wanted to say I think it's really sweet that you are reaching out to her. I understand your fears. I think I would be a bit worried to given C's circumstance. I think I would do the same thing though. You will be able to tell Lydia someday that you did try to keep communication open with her birth mother no matter what happens.