Monday, August 9, 2010

My Kids and their Birth Families

I started a blog a LONG time ago. It was private. It was for friends and family when we decided to abandon anymore infertility treatment and adopt. Our plan...haha. It wasn't God's. We decided that we would adopt from China. We were sure we would welcome a beautiful baby girl orphaned and in need of us.

While we waited we decided to foster. In our minds, there was no better time. We were childless which meant we were open to any and every foster kid that might come our way. We didn't need to worry about kids that were violent, or had been abused or what age they were. We were a young single couple ready and excited to begin the journey while we waited patiently for Madeline - Our to-be adopted child from China.

We were DCS foster parents and 7 months later had only received ONE call in the middle of the night for a placement that we couldn't take - Seth was out of town. We were frustrated and felt out timeline winding down, expecting only an 18 month wait to travel to china for Madeline. As you all know by now, I am a Social Worker and was aware of the other foster care agencies around so I contacted a private agency. They seemed excited and sent some paperwork. We had barely were able to start filling it out when we got this call from them...
"Mrs. Taylor, I know we haven't met yet, but my name is Rachel. I am from the agency. I wanted to talk to you about a possible placement." She told me about a 14 year old girl that had come into custody. Her 4 month old baby had been in custody for a week in another foster home. They wanted to place them together and the current babies foster home would not accept the teenage mother. ( - I later found out this was NOT true and the family would have welcomed C into their home - Just ONE of many F ups that DCS made.)

I said YES without hesitation and called Seth. He was excited. They would be at our house with both girls by 8:00. We had 3 hours to prepare.
Fast Forward-
C and Lydia were with us for 3 weeks when C ran away. C did BEAUTIFULLY when she was here. I loved her and STILL DO! She is a sweet soul that was simply repeating the family cycle as we all humans do.

Background- C's mom - in prison all of C's life, C's father- Last known, in prison - but who knows. C's grandmother who had custody- suspected of selling drugs out of the house. Lydia's BF- 18 and in and out of jail. He is Currently in prison for a long time. C's new "husband" - also now in prison. C's Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, etc... In and out of jail. They have all been arrested for SERIOUS offenses. Many of them society would consider them dangerous. I know we do. But, of the few we have met, given different circumstances, given different life events I KNOW would have different outcomes.

Just recently, I made contact with C through myspace. - NO, I didn't have a myspace account until I found C - I am 35 for goodness sake! haha. It has been really nice. We even spoke on the phone once. I have been sending letters and pictures. We have exchanged a few emails.

C is the only one that doesn't hate us. She lived with us. She and I bonded. And although it was only 3 weeks, our hearts met. I can't explain it. I don't even know how to put it in words. I know Lydia will someday want to know, but all I will know to say is that...It was a GOD THING! - Totally overused cliche, I know...but C stayed just long enough with us to know that Lydia was safe. She stayed just long enough to know that Lydia was LOVED and would be cared for. While it is all still confusing and we have to be ultra careful, I look back and see God's hand in EVERYTHING. - Ummm, Ok, maybe not everything - NASTY DCS Worker and - RIDICULOUS DCS policies - But mostly everything. :)

I try very hard, as of late (for obvious reasons) to reconnect with Lydia's biological family. NOT FOR ME - FOR HER!!! Never Ever do I want my kids to hurt, or wonder.

Zachary's biological family is very different - Not better, Not worse - just VERY different. As I understand it to be, Zachary was either the youngest of 7 or 8 - There is some sketchy information. They loved him, but simply couldn't afford to care for another baby. Our relationship was mostly with his father Kevan. He is a GREAT MAN! He is kind and honest. He Loves Zachy, as does his BirthMOM. We had A LOT of problems, complications and heartache adopting Zac. BM was brainwashed by attorney and shopping around for AP at a better price -Our attorney got DRUNK - LITTER LY - and somehow, between all of the madness - we came home without him. We were told that BM had decided to parent by the hospital SW'r. We went home, SWEARING we would NEVER go through anything like that again - THIS WAS OUR SECOND FAILED ADOPTION! Then we got the call, two days later on a Friday morning. Ten VERY LONG and complicated days later, Zachary was OURS!!!

Since we brought Zachy home, I have sent about 3 or 4 letters to his birth family. I have also had contact with Kevan. We have text back and forth. Recently, they have asked us to STOP with letters and pictures. It makes me sad for them and it makes me sad for Zachary. Now we will wait. I will always and always respect them in THEIR TIME!!!


  1. What happened with the China adoption? Or was that the failed adoption that you referred to?

  2. When we adopted Zachary we let a big document in our dossier expire accidently. It was going to cost us thousands of more dollars to get it re-issued and lots more paper chasing. At the time Zachary was brand new and we were desperatly trying to FINALLY get Lydia adopted. It was just too much so we withdrew. It was hard b/c we had waited so long and spent sooooo much $$$ - BUT, it was the right thing to do at the time and knowing that we had the China adoption on the horizon bought us peace of mind during all the hard times. We had a failed adoption in Chicago the summer before Zachary was born. We held the baby for three days in the hospital and were called on the way to pick her up that mom had decided to parent. That's a whole other post! haha.

  3. Wow, what an adventure. I continue to think it's so important to try to maintain a good relationship and contact with the birth family for the sake of the child. But now that I'm fostering, I see how hard and complicated it can be. Still, I think of my adult adoptee friends and their pain at not having any idea who their birth parents are and it makes me remember why we need to keep a respectful relationship with our foster son's first mom, even if we adopt him. BTW, my partner is also a social worker. She'll be happy to know there are other foster/fost-adopt parents who are in the social work field.

  4. We don't have any contact with our son's birth family. We hope and pray that one day they will decide to find out about him.

    Happy ICLW!