Monday, May 4, 2009

The Truth(s) about Infertility

As I have been telling our story, I feel like I need to talk a little about the struggles we went through as an infertile couple.

If you have not experienced infertility the truth is, you can't possibly begin to understand the confusion, frustration and grief that a couple endures along the way. I remember my mom and sister always being there for me, as were my very best friends. But they hadn't walked in my shoes. And the truth is, for them, getting pregnant was old hat. For example, it simply meant deciding it was time, getting off the pill, and having lots of sex. Then sooner rather than later, two pink lines would pop up on the stick, and BAM, there was a baby growing inside of them. So when it came to true empathy, as hard as they wanted to and as hard as they tried, they just couldn't truly get it.

The truth is, I suppose this is like anything else. If you haven't traveled certain roads in life, you haven't experienced the speed bumps or pot holes in that particular road. Therefore, all you can do is imagine the pain and suffering of another who has; and do your best to support them. This was the kind of support we had. We just didn't know anyone in our situation at the time.

After a year or so of trying to become pregnant I got on a *TTC support group website by recommendation of my very best friend Amy. I joined into a cyber group of other women TTC. This was the absolute best thing I could have done for myself during this time. These women did get it. We spent months and years pouring (typing) our souls out to each other. Many of "my girls" I still chat with every day. They are with out a doubt some of my very best friends, even if I have never laid eyes on them in the "real world."

Gradually a few of us would pop up pregnant here and there, and there was a genuine happiness for one another. That would result in big party time, and celebration on the board, and sometimes on the phone. We all understood each others longing and desperation and we rejoiced as babies eventually started popping out. But, for those of us that were still waiting and wasting money on sticks, fertility treatment, and die hard prayers, the truth is, the announcement of other pregnancies (no matter who it was) weighed heavy on our hearts.

The truth is, we were happy for each other, but also hurting for ourselves. I remember logging on to the board several times to see the thread title, "So and So is Knocked Up".... I would post my genuine love and excitement for my fellow TTC sister. I would join in on the happiness and guessing games of boy or girl, and expected due dates. Then I would log off and lie on my bed and sob. Sometimes crying is all it took, and sometimes it wasn't. Sometimes it would stick with me for days and days and it was hard to shake.

"Why not me?",
"What's wrong with me?"
"God doesn't trust me with a baby."
"He thinks I would be a bad mom."
"He is punishing me."

and so on and so on...

Those thoughts are irrational, and yes, I know that. I know that now, and deep down, I knew that then. But, the truth is, when you are in the middle of the confusion of infertility, nothing makes sense. walking through the mall and seeing a teenager sporting a pregnant bump, or hearing that another was "on the pill" and somehow managed to get preggo even though...

The truth is, when you are trying to conceive, everyone, absolutely everyone, is popping up pregnant. Ok, obviously, not everyone. My Dad wasn't pregnant, nor was my husband or my gay guy friends, but everyone else was. Anyone and everyone with ovaries seemed to be making the "big announcement" that she is going to have a baby. If it didn't make me sad, it infuriated me. I bet I can't count how many times Seth and I would learn of a pregnancy and get in the car or lie in bed at night ranting..."Are you kidding me, THEY can get pregnant and we can't??" Yeah, it may sound a little snotty but, it's the TRUTH!

When you are TTC, the truth is, all of your family and friends and even strangers are trying to tell you what you are doing wrong! Ummm, Ok, even I can admit that I am irrational at times...So come on...exactly how do you do it wrong?? I am pretty sure we understand the process, THANKS!

The truth is, "just relaxing" doesn't get you pregnant. Either does "just forget about it and have fun." NOPE. And another one that doesn't help is telling your friend, "When you least expect it, it will just happen?" Because, really?...I am trying to get pregnant here...when am I least going to expect it?

The truth is, here are some other things that don't get all of us pregnant:

-Lifting your legs in the air for 15 minutes after sex.
-Getting really drunk and just having wild, silly sex in a million different positions. (I realize this does wonders for others though) :)
-And Apparently, the good ole' fashioned way, the way you and I were probably conceived, doesn't always work either.
-Eliminating caffeine doesn't make you more fertile (at least it didn't me), and either does cutting out alcohol.

The truth is, we have tried it all. During this time we would stop at nothing. Our world revolved around getting pregnant and having a baby. And the truth is, if you are struggling with infertility, HANG IN THERE! I know how hard it is, and you will get through this time!

Lastly, for now, I want you to pay very close attention to my story and to my next sentence...because the truth is, if you want to be a mommy (or daddy)...if you REALLY want to be a parent, YOU WILL BE A MOMMY OR A DADDY!

And the truth is, GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOU. The absolute hardest part of our journey was giving up the control and following his plan. And if WE can do this..So can YOU, and THAT'S THE TRUTH!!!!

If you are a friend of someone who is experiencing the hurt of infertility, take a look at this. If you a couple who just need a ((hug)) and some validation, take a look at this.

Once you click on the link, Click on... "Take me to Empty Arms"... Beautiful!

The truth is, I am exhausted and going to bed... and I PROMISE to follow up with the story soon!

"Feels like some kind of ride but it's turning out just to be life going absolutely perfectly"

*TTC = Trying To Conceive


  1. Thanks for sharing this. I know it's great to have a support group with other people going through the same thing. Thanks for the comment on my kitchen...yours is great! Happy Tuesday!

  2. I remember all those preg. tests. Sometimes I would even do then in the Walmart bathroom because I couldn't wait till I got home. I could hardly even believe it when it actually was pink. Thanks for sharing!

  3. Just wanted to thank you for sharing both this video and your story. It so closely mirrors mine.